Apt.

Album cover art for "Apt." by Steven Wright

Steven Wright - Non-Music, Comedy

Apt.

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Duration: 2:08

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The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter". A couple nights ago, I came home very late. It was the next night. I was having a little trouble getting into my apartment. I accidentally took out a car key and I stuck it into the door and turned it and the building started up. So I drove it around for awhile. I went too fast and the police pulled me over. They said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here." Then, I parked it in the middle of a highway and I ran out the front door and yelled at all the cars to get the hell out of my driveway. Nobody who lives in the building noticed that the building had been moved 'cause everybody who lives in the building is absolutely insane. The man who lives above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The woman who lives beside me tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. She walked in and said, "Give me all the money in the vault or I'll mark down everything in the store!" It's a good apartment to live in 'cause they allow pets. I have a pony. I have a Shetland pony named Nicky. I like to ride him around the apartment. If I have to flip an album, I'll ride him over to the stereo. If I wanna make a sandwich, I ride him into the kitchen and sometimes his hooves slide on the tiles and he falls down. Last summer, he was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All the hair was removed except for the tail. Now, I rent him out to Hare Krishna family picnics.

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