Lyrics

Dear God Please don't let my face explode Please don't let my bones fall out Please don't turn my nipples into giant screaming heads Don't like Bjork and Dracula Make out with my spatula Please don't let my butt be confiscated by the feds These things I do implore thee Oh God, please don't ignore me I may be paranoid as hell but who made me that way? The world is really scary And that is why I'm very concerned about all that could happen today (Dear God!) Don't stick me 'tween two irate Rhinos who are trying to mate Don't replace the raisins in my bagels with dead flies Please don't let my spleen expire Please don't set my mom on fire Please don't let my wife be Gilbert Gottfried in disguise Oh God, why won't you listen I've been a perfect Christian Except for all the blasphemy and heresy and sin Not looking for direction Just asking for protection from this screwed-up world that you have stuck me in (Dear God!) Please don't let my sperm mutate Grow until they're six foot eight Start a revolution and devour me from within Please don't turn my Pepsi One Into rancid bison dung Please don't let me be gang-raped by Teletubbies again It's not that I'm not grateful In fact I'm very faithful Whenever I had to fart in church I always held it in I'll follow you forever Just promise that you'll never let anything bad happen to me again [Spoken] Dear God! Please don't let Optimus Prime be waiting for me in my bedroom with a bouquet of flowers and a strap-on Please don't let me be reincarnated as Starr Jones' bicycle seat Please don't let me be force-fed crowbar sandwiches while a screaming horde of inbred nuns seductively rub my wife's armpits with a croissant Please don't let Aquaman be living in my toilet Please don't let me be impregnated by a cross-eyed accountant in a day-glo green crotchless lobster costume Please don't let Jell-O shoot from every orifice in my body every time I see a rake Please don't let the IRS decide to pay me my tax refund in Miracle Whip And please, God, don't strike me with lightning for writing this song! Woah, oh, woah, oh! It's not that I'm not grateful In fact I'm very faithful 'Sides Allah said he'd do it so don't make me turn to him I'll follow you forever Just promise that you'll never let anything bad happen to me Never let anything bad happen to me Never let anything bad happen to me Never let anything bad happen to me again!