Lyrics

[Verse 1] I knew a man who always worried That if knocked down by a nineteen The nurses who to help had hurried Might find his boxer shorts unclean And so he washed them all twice daily And when an accident occurred The doctor said sadly"I know what he has The poor man is dead. He's allergic to Daz" [Refrain] Cos this is real life [Verse 2] Which is always such a mess Badly designed, under-rehearsed, no proper tunes We live in real life Which is not a nice address Needs doing up Needs some white paint, needs a few balloons Life is a fan club and I'm not a fan Life is a bran tub, no prizes, just bran [Verse 3] Take one redundant bus inspector Who joined the long term unemployed Applied to funeral director Was taken on, was overjoyed He felt, as death is always with us This job at least would be secure He shouldered the coffin, the sun on his back The boss saw him smiling and gave him the sack [Refrain] Cos this is real life [Verse 4] And we're not allowed to swap Hoping to find one with more plot, one with more sex We visit real life And we blunder round the shop Squinting at lists, losing our purse, dropping our specs Life is a handshake that's clammy and limp A scene from a script that's been typed by a chimp [Verse 5] A sweet old couple had a party Cos they'd been married sixty years Sat hand in hand and hale and hearty The local press were all in tears The woman from the news said "Ivy What's helped your marriage last so well?'" She looked at her husband and said with a wink "Regular sex with the coalman, I think" [Refrain] Cos this is real life [Verse 6] Which is always going to be Like a toupee hurting your head, showing the join Because in real life There will always be a knee Coming your way, aiming itself straight for your groin It's a windowless room in the Hotel Belle Vue It's an arse kicking party thrown specially for me and you