Lyrics

[Hook] Da, da-da, da-da Da-da da-da-da Da, da-da Da-da-da-da-da-da [Verse 1] Can I tell you who I am? I'm Pamela Patricia, but they call me Pam I don't like shorts or slingback shoes My only pair of trousers are my gardening trews [Verse 2] I don't say who, I do say whom I never use the toilet, just the smallest room I don't say gay, I still say queer I think that Mussolini had the right idea [Vocalized Hook] [Verse 3] Got engaged in '62 Got married in the April, in a nice pale blue It all turned sour, to say the least I was stuck in Abagelli with a sex-crazed beast [Verse 4] Our wedding night, I heard a cough There was Harold in the doorway with his 'jamas off Now look, I said, I must be blunt I couldn't give a beggar's on the whole sex front [Verse 5] Not me, not my scene I prefer a game of Rummy and an Ovaltine Harold, dear, do get dressed I've seen one in a book and I was not impressed [Alternative Hook] La, da-da, da-da Da-da da-da-da Da, da-da Da-da-da-da-da-da [Verse 6] Once divorced, I lived alone Then chummed up with a woman by the name of Joan She moved in, she seemed quite nice Wore army boots and braces, but I didn't think twice [Verse 7] Then one night, she seemed upset I said, are you not happy in my maisonette? She drained her rum and baby sham Ran her fingers through her crewcut, said "I love you Pam" [Alternative Hook] Wa, da-da, da-da Da-da da-da-da Wa, da-da Da-da-da-da-da-da [Verse 8] I didn't faint, I didn't scream Just carried on demolishing my custard cream She said, please come upstairs with me? I'll show you just how wonderful a love can be [Verse 9] I said alright, but don't be late There's a thing by Alan Bennett on at half past eight So, up we go, and off she went But all I seem to think about was Stoke-on-Trent [Verse 10] Not me, it didn't gel I prefer a cup of coco and a Ruth Rendell Joan, dear, do get dressed No woman over forty suits a mauve stringed vest [Alternative Hook] La- La-la-la La [Verse 11] Then last year to beat the blues I booked myself a cabin on a ten day cruise So much to do, so much to see With a load of single women who look just like me [Verse 12] Then one night, I clicked like that With a bachelor named Billy in a golfing hat We were so happy, hand in hand Listening to a lecture on the prostate gland [Alternative Hook] La- La-la-la La [Verse 13] I told him sex had been no go He took it as a challenge and we went below We kissed and hugged without delay He tried to take my rainhood off, I said no way [Verse 14] He said I bet you ten whole pounds I bet you have an orgasm while I'm around He got stuck in, he really tried But I only felt a tremour down my left hand side [Verse 15] Not me, that's my boast I prefer a bit of ironing and a round of toast Bill, dear, do get dressed But he just fell over moaning as he clutched his chest [Spoken Word] He went "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh..." It was that type of sound [Verse 16] Bill was dead, he died for me They took him on a stretcher as I drank my tea But as I poured another cup, I thought I never had that orgasm I am ten quid up!