Alternative Tango

Lyrics

[Verse 1] I never wanted to say "nig-nog" I was never keen on "Paki" Or "capitalist lackey" I thought was rather tacky It was never on my lips But there's a term I'm rather fond of And to use it I do hanker Its not heard in Casablanca The little word is "wanker" As a term its had it's chips [Chorus 1] They say its not correct Its got to go They say its too direct Well I don't know If it is never heard Then how convey That very special word Another way? [Verse 2] He is a little self abusive His mitts are always in his nicks He prefers to jiggle solo Hе prefers his own last Rolo To a bag of pick-and-mix He writеs for 'Masturbation Weekly' When opportunity occurs If you're buying him a present His and hers things can be pleasant But don't bother wrapping hers [Verse 3] I never wanted to say "fart face" I don't find "arsehole" too appealing It depends with whom you're dealing And its just a personal feeling But I don't like how it sounds But political correctness Has taken hold just like a canker I would like to nick a tanker And run down the stupid wanker Who has put it out of bounds [Chorus 2] Alright its not correct I'm out of touch But please reflect It says so much Are there some other ways? Its such a shame Is there another phrase That means the same? [Verse 4] His scrotum isn't used to strangers There are no condoms on his shelf When his tones caress and soften When he asks "Do you come here often?" He is talking to himself He'll never need a big address book 'Cos all his friends are in his flies A dick may sometimes disappear But it won't drag you 'round Ikea Or buy you polyester ties [Chorus 3] And if its not correct Its awfully cute I feel I must reject A substitute Though it may make you squirm You find it strong To use another term Just takes so long [Verse 5] His favourite film is 'Brief Encounter' He has the tissues standing by He thought 'Get Shorty' was just silly He was mad about 'Free Willy' And its easy to see why His wrists keep very fit and active They'll never need to join a gym He has no need of friend or neighbour He can toss without a caber Altogether lucky him [Verse 6] The world is full of different people Some are moral, some are heinous Some are ugly, some like Venus Some take photos of their penis We all have our different acts And as the world turns through a new day We know that bankers will be banking Harassed mothers will be spanking No doubt wankers will be thanking you and me for facing facts