Lyrics

[applause] [announcer] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome, from Boston, Massachusetts, Steven Wright. [applause] [Steven Wright] Thanks. I used to be a parking attendant in Boston at Logan Airport. I'd park jets. They let me go, though, 'cause I kept locking the keys in them. One day, I was on an 86-foot stepladder trying to get in the window with a coat hanger. I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. Sold a #3 for 28 bucks. I was once walking through the forest alone and a tree fell right in front of me... and I didn't hеar it. I used to be a narrator for bad mimes. I livе in a house that's on the median strip of a highway. I mean, nice, grassy area. I like it. The only thing I don't like about it is when I leave my driveway, I have to be going 60 miles an hour. I have a microwave fireplace. Can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes. Well, you can't have everything. Where would you put it? If sometimes you can't hear me, it's 'cause sometimes I'm in parentheses. Are there any questions? I'm feeling kinda hyper. About four years ago, I was- No, it was yesterday. Went to the hardware store. I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy 'em again. I had trouble going home from there 'cause I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back, the entire area was gone. One time, the police stopped me for speeding and they said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't gonna be out that long."