Lyrics

Next week, I'm gonna have an MRI to find out whether or not I have claustrophobia --- In school, they told me "practice makes perfect". Then they told me "nobody's perfect". So then I stopped practicing --- Here's some of my answers to everyday questions: "Excuse me, sir. Do you know what time it is?" "No. I'm not from around here." "Excuse me. Do you know where the train station is?" "Probably near the tracks." --- Sometimes when I'm over at someone's house and no one's in the kitchen, I like to write things on their to-do list they have on their refrigerator "Memorize distances to all other planets." "Adopt babies and sell on black market." --- You ever notice when a house burns down, the only thing left standing is the fireplace and the chimney? How's that for evidence? --- I bought a new camera. It's very advanced. You don't even need it Why are the pictures square if the lens is round? --- I bought a new phone. The first thing I did was push re-dial The phone started having a nervous breakdown. The phone was twitching like this. "I don't have this information!" --- I bought an iPod. It can either hold 5,000 songs or one telephone message from my mother --- They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right I'm missing a wall in my kitchen --- Today, I was talking to myself. I was very polite and cordial but I could tell I was lying Under my breath, I said, "You're full of shit." Then I said, "What?" Then I said, "Nothing." --- You know, if heat rises, heaven might be hotter than hell --- I'm thinking of buying a plasma television in case I need a blood transfusion That way I can mainline 150 channels right into my arm That way they can do my autopsy via satellite --- I have a CD burner. My fireplace --- Friend of mine is a pilot. We were gonna go somewhere in his car for absolutely no reason. He waited 45 minutes before he backed out of his driveway --- I have another pair of pants just like these. Except they're red with green stripes and they're shorts --- Last night, I was in a restaurant called Bulimians The line for the bathroom was incredible