Natalie’s Rap 2.0

Lyrics

[Intro: Beck Bennett & Natalie Portman] We're here today with film star Natalie Portman. Now, Natalie, the last time you were here, I heard things got a little out of control. Yeah, well, I was going through a really weird time then. But... I've matured a lot. Why don't you fill us in on what it's like to be you? Okay, ya bish. I'm sorry, what? [Verse 1: Natalie Portman] Yeah, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman, Portman Fucked your husband and his best friend just for sport, man Messed around and made the same song twice Here's a Bush, now eat your Condoleezza Rice You know it's clickbait, clickbait, clickbait Put a dildo on a switchblade, switchblade, switchblade (Woo!) Xannies dissolving in my Pinot My man dance, but he's not a ballerino Yeah, he twinkle his toes, but he give me good D, though Wrap a good burrito Tide Pods the only fucking thing I snack on Black out and go motherfucking Black Swan Ooh! These dudes slouching, fix your posture, boy I'll come upside your head with my fucking Oscar, boy My brain gone off that fucking Ayahuasca, boy Tell your tourist parents I'ma turn you 'to a foster boy! [Interlude: Beck Bennett & Natalie Portman] Wow, I gotta say it seems like you're almost exactly the same, but with current references. Untrue. I'm a mother now. It's really changed my perspective. And do you find it difficult juggling kids and a career? You can juggle these nuts. What? [Verse 2: Natalie Portman] I don't dance now, I make mommy moves When I gave birth, I didn't even push I was blazed out, smoking bomb kush And when my water broke, you know it drowned the doctor They say I'm sex-positive Hell yeah, I'm positive That you're going down while I'm bumping "My Prerogative" Tell me why... Ha, I guess I'm showing my age Now bend over and spread 'em because you about to get fucked (Damn!) [Interlude: Beck Bennett & Natalie Portman] Fascinating stuff. Now I have to ask, Natalie, have you seen the new Star Wars movies? No. Oh, well they're really good! They're much better than... Better than what? ...shit! [Verse 3: Natalie Portman & Alex Moffatt] Say something 'bout the motherfucking prequels, bitch! (They were good!) Say something fucking nice about Jar-Jar Binks! (He's tall?) Now kiss him right on his seventeen dicks (What?) While I sit dead on your face and take a shit! [Bridge: Andy Samberg (as Carl the Viking) & Natalie Portman] Oh, Natalie... Yeah? Please come meet your baby He cries himself to sleep every night That little shit ain't mine! Oh, Natalie... What? It's been twelve long years Shut the fuck up! And I'm seven days sober, I swear on his life! You're a mess, Carl. [Outro: Beck Bennett & Natalie Portman] Okay, well, that's all the time we have. Natalie, one last question—do you think those "Time's Up" pins have had the impact that you were hoping for? AH! How's that for impact? Well, actually — oh, no... No more questions.