Corporal Mum

Lyrics

Father taught me wisdom Grandma taught me truth My teachers taught me many things that helped me through my youth But mum, the things you taught me were better than all that Like how to strip a rifle down in fifteen seconds flat When you were on maneuvers I couldn't sleep at all Till I saw your laser crosshairs flickering gently down the hall And I'm still your little soldier I'm loyal, proud, and true And I know just what it means to be a real man Like you Man, a man A real man like you So I salute you, Corporal Mum Make me march up and down Call me 'orrible scum Then send me on a ten-mile run (In my pants) I salute you, Corporal Mum You took me on a picnic You wore your combat gear And you made me smear myself with mud And kill and gut a deer We returned at oh-five-hundred Father's note was in the hall It said: "Couldn't stand the blitzkrieg, love. So had to go AWOL." But you'd boobytrapped his Volvo It was blown to smithereens You said, "Soldiers do not cry, boy Now get digging those latrines!" Ah, I remember my seventh birthday. Mum took me to Burger King and annexed the upstairs restaurant. The siege lasted a week... But now that you're retiring I'll hope you'll let it be And I'll help you clear the shed of all those WMD Clear the shed of WMD Congratulations, Corporal Mum You can hang up your boots You can hang up your gun For now your killing days are done (Stab, stab) Congratulations, Corporal Mum So put your feet up, Corporal Mum You can eBay your tank Take your taser off stun Your trigger finger must be numb So put your feet up, Corporal Mum You're fucking scary, Corporal Mum (I'm wary, you're scary mother, you're a scary mother) With your hairy mustache and disfiguring scar (You're very, you're hairy, mother, you're a hairy mother) So now I'm off to Zanzibar (It's miles away) You'll never find me, Corporal Mum Dismissed