Jerkin’ Around

Lyrics

[Spoken Intro] I dunno, I get the feeling that some people, in order to have a good time, they need, uh, cigarettes or alcohol or something like that to get 'em going, and, uh, I don't really need any of those things, y'know? Just a couple of my friends, and a piano, and a spoon of smack, so, uh... [Song] I read the front page headlines this morning There was a study with bad news to tell Suddenly all of life's favorite pastimes Hobbies and pleasures are bad for your health Coffee's addictive Wine makes you sterile Fat makes your heart stop Sex even kills One box of popcorn could wipe out a family Well, so much for all of life's favorite thrills But this is the good part One of these pastimes Formerly chided and ridden with shame Studies have shown that despite all the hoopla Affects from this vice are surprisingly tame It has many a name Choking the chicken Beating the bishop Pumping the python Jerkin' around Flogging the donkey Jerkin' the gherkin Milking the mango And punching the clown An apple a day keeps the doctor away But it also has insecticides that cause carcinoma And garlic, they say, for your health's a good play But if you eat too much it gives your breath a foul aroma And my favorite pastime alleviates stress And helps develop right-hand coordination It's more entertaining than a good game of chess And heck it even helps control the population There's a saying old Says it makes you blind But that was all a myth Recent studies find So I think I'm gonna do it all the time Shuffling the knuckle Pounding the porpoise Dropping the boys off Pressing the flesh Punching the munchkin Burping the bald man Twanging the turkey And meeting the press Hanging with Rosie and her five sisters Spanking the monkey Pounding the meat Jack it, smack it, whip it out and whack it The thing we couldn't do without That no one ever talks about Choking the chicken And beating the bishop And pumping the python And jerkin' the gherkin And spanking the monkey And fisting the mister And taming the lion And crowning the king Or just plain jerkin' around My palms are hairy Just plain jerkin' around Living off the fat of the hand Or just plain jerkin' around