‌never really what i want

Song Meaning

The narrator grapples with a cycle of dissatisfaction and compulsion, admitting that the "highs never rly what I want," yet they remain "usually its all I got." This sets up a core tension: a desire for something more, constantly undercut by the immediate, albeit unfulfilling, gratification that's readily available. The repeated phrase "no I can't stop" underscores a sense of being trapped in this loop, driven by a need to "feed myself" through illicit means like "remix rerock." The lyrics paint a grim picture of a life steeped in substance abuse and transactional relationships. The narrator describes themselves as a "drugged out glitch," with "dilaudid diamonds in my fist," highlighting the artificiality and destructive nature of their pursuits. The casual mention of "fake docs and the therapist, writin me all my fukn scripts" suggests a systemic enabling of this lifestyle, blurring the lines between genuine need and manufactured dependency. This self-awareness of the destructive path is juxtaposed with a defiant, almost boastful, tone about profiting from it and engaging in predatory behavior with others' partners. The most striking aspect is the stark contrast between the narrator's internal emptiness and their outward projection of success and control. While admitting to being "frozen numb no emotion," they simultaneously describe their "whole team glowin" and engaging in activities that generate profit and influence. The repetition of "so sick, sick so sick" serves as a grim mantra, acknowledging the pervasive sickness of their existence. This disconnect between the hollow core and the glittering facade creates a compelling, albeit disturbing, portrait of someone caught between self-destruction and a desperate need for validation. Ultimately, these lyrics resonate because they capture a raw, unvarnished depiction of addiction and the moral compromises it breeds. The narrator's candid admission of their unfulfilling highs, coupled with their aggressive pursuit of more, reveals a profound internal conflict. The craft here lies in the blunt, almost detached language used to describe deeply destructive behaviors, making the listener confront the bleak reality without sugarcoating. It’s this unflinching honesty about a life lived on the edge, driven by compulsion and a distorted sense of gain, that makes the narrative so potent.