Lyrics

MARK'S HOUSE: MARK'S BEDROOM MARK What are you doing? ANDREW You collect Desert Storm trading cards? MARK Fuck yeah. Those things are collector's items, man. You have any idea how much those things are gonna be worth one day? ANDREW Really? MARK Hell, yeah. That's just like an investment. I have lots of little investments all over the place. One day I'm gonna sell all of'em just fuckin' live off of it. ANDREW So, like how much is this one worth? MARK Which? ANDREW "Night Vision Goggles." MARK I don't know. Mint? Uh, two, maybe three. ANDREW Dollars? MARK Yeah. It's too early. You don't sell 'em yet. Don't you know anything about investing? I'm gonna live off that shit. If you have a complete set, it's worth, like, thousands. ANDREW So do you have the complete set? MARK Almost. The corners are bent on my "Friendly Fire," and someone stole my "Wolf Blitzer." Now, look. Whaddya got to do today? 'Cause, uh... I got you a little going-away present... but, uh, I gotta kind of track it down first. So can you give me a ride? ANDREW Uh, yeah. I just, uh... MARK What? ANDREW No, nothin'. I just, uh... MARK Say it. Speak. ANDREW I kinda told Sam I was gonna hang out with her today. So, uh... MARK She can come. I don't care. INT. HANDI-WORLD ANDREW I can't believe we're in fucking Handi-World. I really don't want to be in Handi-World. MARK We're getting money for your present. Don't look so guilty. ANDREW How do I look guilty? KARL Andrew Largeman? MARK Oh, no. Benson. ANDREW Oh, no. SAM Who is that? MARK Just don't give him your number. KARL Hey, man. What's up? Holy shit! ANDREW How's it goin'? KARL I haven't seen you since, like, junior year. ANDREW Yeah. KARL I thought you killed yourself. ANDREW What? KARL I thought you killed yourself. KARL That wasn't you? ANDREW No, no. That wasn't me. KARL Who killed themselves? MARK That was the Gleason kid. KARL Oh. MARK Oh, and Tina. ANDREW Tina who? MARK You remember Tina. She was anorexic, did gymnastics... ANDREW Oh, gymnastics Tina? How'd she do it? MARK I don't know. She wasn't Jewish. I didn't bury her. KARL I think it was sleeping pills. Or that car in the garage thing. I forgot. ANDREW Uh, sorry, this is Sam, Karl. Karl, Sam? SAM Hey. KARL Hey. MARK I gotta go find that thing. Uh, you two stay here. I'll be right back. ANDREW Is it heavy, or... Okay. KARL Hey, weren't you on a TV show or something? ANDREW Yeah, it was just this show. So, uh, you're like workin' here. That's cool. KARL Only for a little while. I'm opening my own business. Actually, I should talk to you about it. I'm lookin' for smart people like you, Large. I should get your number. ANDREW Yeah, definitely. That'd be... That'd be cool. KARL I'd like to talk to you... both... about a good opportunity for you and your loved ones. We all have dreams. I know I do! I'd like to talk to you about an exciting opportunity that people are talking about. MARK We gotta get goin'. ANDREW Oh, okay. It was good to see you, Karl. KARL Hey, I should get your number. ANDREW Yeah, definitely. Well, I'll call you because I think he has it in his book. SAM Nice to meet you. MARK Why is it always the losers that get caught up in the pyramid schemes? Why can't it be some charming, hot girl nagging you incessantly to buy some shit? ANDREW Is that what he's doin'? MARK Yeah. It's detergent or some shit. ANDREW Why are you buying knives? I don't need knives. MARK I'd like to return these. CASHIER (WOMAN) You got a receipt? MARK Actually, no. They're a gift. CASHIER (WOMAN) Why are you returning these? MARK They're not sharp enough. CASHIER (WOMAN) They're not sharp enough? MARK No. Not for what we need them for. They couldn't cut cans. CASHIER (WOMAN) You bought them to cut cans? MARK No, but in the commercial, it said if I wanted to cut cans, I could. With these knives, I can't. CASHIER (WOMAN) It comes with a sharpener. Did you try it? MARK Yeah. They're just...I don't want them. They're not sharp enough. CASHIER (WOMAN) Okay. MARK A major loophole in the Handi-World return policy is that they permit returns...without receipts on items below $40. ANDREW So, how often do you go? I hit every employee once, and then I wait until they hire new ones. Luckily, nobody stays at Handi-World for very long. Except for Karl Benson. ANDREW You know, Mark, it's my last day in town. If you need money, I could loan you some. MARK I don't need your money. I'm making my own right now. ANDREW Fuck, take Jesse's. The guy's a millionaire. MARK I don't take anybody's money. Okay, Andrew? I make my own. Favors are bad news. The only thing worse than a favor is a favor involving money. Okay? Let's go. I gotta see a guy about a nitrous tank.