Lyrics

Jack: The following takes place between track one, and track three (SFX: clock beeping intro, drum fill, 4 measure opening stanza) Chorus A: Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power Minute by minute, and hour after hour He's hard corps, gonna stop the war And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24 Verse 1: Luke: Espionage in the L.A. scenes Where most time the ends, they justify the means And ever since late 2001 You'll see real time flies when you're under the gun Counter Terrorist Unit agent Jack Bauer Often needs a shave and probably a shower Buchanan's the Director of field operations Almeida is tactical, Michelle's communications Edgar's an egghead, and Chloe is snarky And Morris is British and full of melarchy But I might be wrong, cause they always change stations Due to sudden promotions or exterminations But aided by their digital clockin' stanza They're building up tension when commercials do pass Never before has right-wing propganda Disguised as entertainment kicked so much ass! Come on! Chorus B: Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power Minute by minute, and hour after hour He's hard corps, gonna stop the war And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24 Jack Bauer. He got the power Minute by minute, and hour after hour He's hard corps, gonna stop the war And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24 The Torture Scene: Henchman: You can't do this to me! It's illegal! Jack: Oh, you'd be surprised what kinds of torture my government has legalized Let's turn on the 13 hour marathon of American Idol auditions! (SFX: William Hung singing "Fergalicious") Henchman: No! Stop! You can't do this! Ahhh! Ahhh! No, it's horrible! Jack: TELL ME! TELL ME WHERE HE IS NOW! TALK, DAMMIT! Henchman: Okay! Okay! I'll talk! I'll talk!… Verse 2: Luke: Top of the hour at the CTU And Chloe and the crew ain't got much to do When some Scientologist sleeper cel leader Hacks into their system with a message to read Bad Guy: Surrender, America! Make me Arch-Duke Or I'll blow you all up with my suitcase nuke Full of nerve gas and virus that turns you six colors And also you must pay me one billion dollars! Luke: Suddenly Jack manifests in a blink Guy 1: I thought you were dead? Jack: That's what I wanted you to think Luke: And despite his past insubordinate behavior They reinstate him like a federal savior They give him some choppers and tanks and humvees And a cell phone that detects W.M.D.s A main frame computer the size of your basement And a Ford F150 just for product placement While Jack sets off for some interrogation The President's appraised of the situation His advisors are all corporate schills, that's for certain Like some Army commander named Hal A. Burton Who insists that to soothe America's own rage Is to bomb other countries back to the stone age But President Palmer ignores those demands Because he knows Palmer: That's were all states stand Luke: So while those guys try to remove him from office We find out the new CTU techie novice Is really a mole there to knock them off kilter Who commits sabotage, and removes their spam filter But when he's discovered he kidnaps Jack's daughter Who's as easy to nab as a cold glass of water Mole: If you want her alive you must grant me immunity And extradite me to my home community! Do as I say or she will be dead! Aaaah! (SFX: Smack! Thud!) Luke: …Jack-boot to the head! Jack: Now tell me the info to stop your attack And maybe you'll live with your nuts in tact Luke: Spills the beans, then Jack and the Marines Stop the bad guys and their domestic weapon machines Like a ninja, Jack splits, down the road he'll hitch hike The only thing that could defeat him is a writer's strike! Oh no! Chorus C: Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power Minute by minute, and hour after hour He's hard corps, gonna stop the war And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24 Jack Bauer. He got the power Minute by minute, and hour after hour He's hard corps, gonna stop the war And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24 The Writer's Strike Scene: (SFX: CTU phone rings twice) Chloe: Obrien Jack: Chloe, it's Jack. I need you to upload new dialogue to my PDA stat Chloe: I'm sorry Jack, we don't have a script yet Jack: Dammit, Chloe, what am I supposed to say now? Chloe: I don't know. Why don't you say 'dammit' a few more times? Jack: Dammit, that isn't going to be good enough! Chloe: Well you use it in every other line of dialogue. That, and 'son of a bitch' Jack: Son of a bitch! Chloe: Told 'ja Jack: How am I supposed to keep America safe from Communists and hippies And the concept of tolerance if I don't have any tough-guy things to say? Chloe: Hold on, I'll see if I can steal some dialogue from the internet Jack: Thanks Chloe, what would I do without you? Chloe: Probably get killed about twice an hour Jack: What? Chloe: *sigh*, nothing Jack Chorus D: Girls: Chloe Obrien. She's always lyin' To cover Jack's tracks when he's not complyin' Always pryin' with uber leet spyin' And she does it all while rolling her eyes and sighin' Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power Minute by minute, and hour after hour He's hard corps, gonna stop the war And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24 Verse 3: Luke: He's Jack Bauer, got skills to spare Other secret agent types will never compare Forget Jack Ryan, he's not much of a reader Don't need an Alias, cause he got La Femme Nikita He gave Jason Bourne his Burn Notice, it's true And told Prisoner Number Six Jack: "Be seeing you" Luke: Unlike MacGuyver, his tech's not absurd And he left James Bond both shaken and stirred You say 'Austin Powers', and he'll just say 'NOT!' And he makes Maxwell Smart look like Michael Scott The CSI cops are now outlined in chalk And Chuck Norris, Texas Ranger, now uses a walker So if you fear some bad guys who are pissed about our wars And you think that extremists are all hiding in your drawers Convinced that you'll fall victim to a terrorist attack Well then click your box to Fox because you don't know Jack! Girls: Jack who? Chorus E: Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power Minute by minute, and hour after hour He's hard corps, gonna stop the war And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24 Jack Bauer. He got the power Minute by minute, and hour after hour He's hard corps, gonna stop the war And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24 The Zero Wing Scene: Jack: What happen? Chloe: Somebody set up us the bomb Jack: Dammit! Chloe: We get signal Jack: What? Chloe: Main screen turn on Jack: It's you! Bad Guy: How are you gentlemen? All your base are belong to us You are on the way to destruction Jack: What you say?! Bad Guy: You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha Ha Ha Ha.... Chloe: Jack! Jack: Son of a bitch! Chorus F: Guys: Jack Bauer. He got the power Minute by minute, and hour after hour He's hard corps, gonna stop the war And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24 Jack Bauer. He got the power Minute by minute, and hour after hour He's hard corps, gonna stop the war And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24 (Music cuts out) Jack Bauer. He got the power Minute by minute, and hour after hour He's hard corps, gonna stop the war And he ain't gonna quit until he hits 24 (SFX: End of episode clock sound)