Если я (If I)

Song Meaning

The lyrics paint a picture of a relationship teetering on the edge, fueled by self-deception and a cycle of destructive behavior. The narrator, Sasha Skul, opens with a hypothetical scenario: if he were to abstain from drugs and alcohol, he imagines widespread affection from women. This immediately sets up a core tension – the narrator's belief that his current lifestyle is the barrier to genuine connection, yet he continues to indulge. He claims he only needs half of a partner, contrasting with the desire for wholeness, suggesting a fundamental inability or unwillingness to commit. The central conflict emerges from this self-sabotage and the narrator's cynical view of intimacy. He describes his partner wanting him whole while he settles for a fraction, likening the situation to a "blind penguin on an ice floe." This imagery highlights a sense of isolation and precariousness. The repeated line, "Everything will return like a boomerang," underscores a fatalistic acceptance of consequences, yet the narrator immediately follows this by "pouring in alcohol again," showing a clear disconnect between acknowledging the problem and changing behavior. A striking element is the narrator's dismissive attitude towards his partner's emotional investment. He calls her pleas "lies" and dismisses her tears, stating, "I don't believe in your tears." This emotional detachment is further emphasized by his focus on his own ego and her perceived transactional behavior ("You eat sushi for it"). The lyrics suggest a relationship where genuine connection is sacrificed for fleeting gratification and a performance of dominance, with the narrator ultimately choosing self-destruction over vulnerability. COLDCLOUD's chorus, "On the scales, on the scales / I weighed everything: love and fear / Through the forests, through the forests / I wandered at night, tired of living," amplifies this sense of weary resignation. The act of weighing love and fear suggests a constant internal struggle, while wandering "tired of living" points to a deep existential exhaustion. The repetition of this chorus and the fragmented memories in the second verse – "Sit on the roof, got drunk on vodka / Selfie in Instagram, ripped tights" – reinforce the cyclical nature of their destructive habits and the lingering pain of past moments, leaving the listener with a profound sense of unresolved despair.