You Want to Be My Friend?

Lyrics

[MAN 2] You're so good You're too good for me, you are You're the best damn person I have known, by far If I could, you know I'd never throw this curve You're a goddess And I'm not what you deserve What I am saying is Our thing must end But though it must I want to be your friend [WOMAN 2, spoken] Friend? Friend? [WOMAN 2] You wanna be my friend? You wanna be my friend? Oh, that's nice You wanna be my friend? I have friends I know from college High school pals that I still see I have sisters in sororities 'Cross the country fond of me Two chums that date from grade school One whole family from St. Paul There are kids I know from summer camp Who still give me a call I have friends from when I lived in Paris And my singles cruise I have five old boyfriends Who still call me up to schmooze I have buddies from the lab in Boston Colleagues from the zoo I've got an aunt in Cleveland That I always can turn to I've got enough friends! [MAN 2, spoken] Perhaps I should be going [WOMAN 2, spoken] You stay right here! [WOMAN 2] You wanna be my friend? You wanna be my friend? Well, I'm touched You wanna be my friend? I want a lover and a husband And a partner and a spouse I want someone to split expenses with me On a summer house I want a father for my unborn children Someone who's in tune And since I'll be thirty-nine next month I want him rather soon I want someone to buy rugs and lamps with Someone who'll cosign I want a small joint bank account in his name and in mine I need someone I can fight with Learn to cook with Love to feed Come to think of it There's only one thing that I do not need I don't need another friend! [MAN 2, spoken] I really should be going [WOMAN 2, spoken] You stay right there! [MAN 2, spoken] You're right, I deserve this You're such a wonderful person And I'm such a— [WOMAN 2, spoken] I don't need to hear from you I'm perfect Then end up all wet I am tired of being the greatest girl A man has ever met "But I don't want to make a commitment to you" Ha! Can't you see? You don't want to tell the truth, oh no You just want out from me Yes, I know inside you're fragile Yes, your mother was a mess If that's why you can't receive a woman's love I could care less! I don't need to know it's your fault Have some balls, it doesn't fit You're not sick, deprived, misunderstood or weak You're just a shit! [WOMAN 2, spoken] And you wanna be my friend? Who'd want you as a friend? Is my name on this lease? [MAN 2, spoken] Huh? [WOMAN 2, spoken] Is my name on this lease? [MAN 2, spoken] Yeah [WOMAN 2, spoken] Then get out of my apartment!