Lyrics

[KEELY, spoken] After our triumphant national tour, it was time to conquer a new world… [PETE AND KEELY, spoken] Broadway! [KEELY, spoken] Pete 'n' Keely, starring in Tony 'n' Cleo [PETE, spoken] An all-new musical version of Shakespeare's immortal drama, Antony and Cleopatra [KEELY, spoken] Pete played Arthur, a mild-mannered muffler inspector from Buffalo, New York [PETE, spoken] Keely played Arthur's wife, Bernice, an average homemaker slightly past her prime The show begins as the couple arrives in Cairo The land of the Pharaohs! This is so exciting, Bernice! [KEELY, spoken] You were right, Arthur! The perfect place for a second honeymoon! [PETE AND KEELY] Hello, Egypt Here we go, Egypt [PETE] Look at that! A woman with a jackal's head [PETE AND KEELY] Hm! It's so old, Egypt And we're told, Egypt [PETE] Is the spot where we can raise our marriage from the dead (Spoken) Bernice— Bernice? [KEELY, spoken] Look, Arthur, look what I just bought! A secret map! I got it from a leper He said it was a map to Cleopatra's lost treasure [PETE, spoken] Aw, Bernice! [KEELY, spoken] He says it's the only one of its kind [PETE, spoken] Cleopatra's lost treasure (Sung) Bernice, I don't believe you Could you be any dumber? [KEELY, spoken] Cleopatra's lost treasure! [PETE] I thought you had some sales resistance, but no [KEELY, spoken] It says so, right here [PETE] That bum saw you coming! [KEELY, spoken] He wasn't a bum [PETE] The way swindlers do [KEELY, spoken] He was a leper [PETE] He said welcome to Egypt And then he jipped you [KEELY, spoken] Where's your sense of adventure? Come on! [PETE] How are you even momentarily tricked this way? [KEELY, spoken] The twelve steps! [PETE] This map looks like it's printed by the Cairo triple-A [KEELY, spoken] The big foot! [PETE] Bernice, I don't believe you That map is leading nowhere [KEELY, spoken] X marks the spot [PETE] All those arrows show Where the suckers all go [KEELY] Oh-ho, here's the entrance [PETE] It's a solid stone wall! Bernice, I don't believe you at all (Spoken) Look, Bernice, a sarcophagus! [KEELY, spoken] And a big one! Let's look inside! Look, Arthur, a crown of emeralds and rubies I have just the outfit, let's see if it fits [PETE, spoken] Don't, it could be cursed! Are you alright, Bernice? [KEELY, spoken] Bernice has left the building I am Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile (Sung) Here amid the pyramids I've waited through the ages While history's papyrus pages Crumble to dust Here the queen of all the Egypts Upper, lower, middle Puzzles out a riddle That even a sphynx thinks is a jinx It's one dumb conundrum But solve it I must Cleo and Tony Tony and Cleo Oh, where did we go wrong? You were Osiris to my Isis Til we sparked an international crisis Cleo and Tony Tony and Cleo Singing a lonely song Nothing's as sad as the tragedy of Tony and Cleo in love Hey Nefertiti, King Tut Somebody answer me, what What made us both lose our grasp? What made me go kiss that asp? I still remember his smile Grinning like some crocodile Or were we both just in denial? Cleo and Tony! [PETE] Tony and Cleo! [PETE AND KEELY] Somebody tell us why We were the couple who had it all But what a rapid decline and fall We should have seen the writing on the wall Those hieroglyphics never lie They say it's over, could you die? [KEELY, (PETE)] So Tony, baby (Cleo, baby) [PETE AND KEELY] Ta-ta Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye!