Lyrics

The Can Opener! Now, it's of a jolly can opener, as I shall tell a tale It roved about the seven seas in dismal squalls and gales It sawed up Chinese wellwomen with cutlass and 'arpoons It opened fleshy submarines and dug in them with spoons It opened up a merchant man all bound for far Cathay But it was full of tins of meat; how many, none could say "Oh Wendy dear, avoid those prongs, that vicious twirling ratchet That grinds through fair containers all, or else you're bound to catch it!" Now, Wendy brought asparagus, and lawnmowers, and felt To force that ruddy can opener to grind so hard, he'd melt! The can opener got wind of this great plot to blunt its teeth And sailed away quite quickly to a hiding place, near Leith The Scottish coast had always held a fond place in its heart And now there was a chance to be together, not apart The can opener, festooned with flags, arrived one Friday night To a welcome from a flock of sheep; it made a cheerful sight But not so cheerful was the sight behind the frothy sheep Of Wendy by the savage rocks, around them she did peep "I substituted felt for grass, asparagus for hedges And now I've got the lawnmower from good old Uncle Reg's!" But this did not impress the flock, who normally ate pork In chewy little sauteed lumps upon a silver fork The can opener moored in a creek and sharpened up its gasher The lawnmower come whirring down, and that could not 'ave been rasher! ...Because: A deadly whirl of scything blades ensued before the gaze Of Wendy, and the burly sheep, which lasted several days The end came swiftly when it did--the blow came from on high The lawnmower had gone up to that greenhouse in the sky So Wendy went to Manchester To buy a balaclava But suddenly became engulfed In floods of molten lava The can opener still roves the gulch, with severing claws akimbo And rips through sheets of yielding tin--and Wendy is in limbo!