Desert Island Top Five Break-Ups

Lyrics

[ROB] Oh God, how did it come to this? Oh Laura, Laura, what did I miss? Did you really just walk out the door? Can it be that you don't love me anymore? Bet you think I'm gonna panic Get all sad and weird and manic But if you wanna see me suffer more Then you should have got to me before Oh Laura, Laura... I pity you 'Cause I've had a life of heartbreak You can never live up to [ROB, spoken] My Desert Island, All-Time, Top Five Break-Ups—in chronological order Number one—Alison Ashworth Two—Penny Hardwick Three—Charlie Nicholson Four—Sarah Kendrew And number five—Jackie Allen Do you notice anything in particular about the list, Laura? [EX-GIRLFRIENDS, spoken] Yeah, do you? [ROB] These were the ones that tore my heart out These were the ones that ate me alive You might squeeze into the top ten, Laura [EX-GIRLFRIENDS] But you're nowhere near the top five [ROB] These were the girls who got in early Scarred me for life, I have no doubt [ROB & EX-GIRLFRIENDS, ROB, EX-GIRLFRIENDS] But you're too late now You don't rate that kind of hurt (Ah) That kind of clout [ROB] Oh Laura, Laura, you'll be missed But sweet, sweet Laura, you [EX-GIRLFRIENDS] You [ROB & EX-GIRLFRIENDS] Don't even make the list! [EX-GIRLFRIENDS] This is nothing personal, please Don't kick yourself or wonder why [ROB] The simple fact is that we're too old, Laura To really make each other cry Those days are gone and I'm thankful we can Skip the drama and the pain Here, take my car, there's a tankful I won't lose myself or go insane Oh Laura, Laura, has your love died? [ROB & EX-GIRLFRIENDS] 'Cause if you leave me (No!), Laura (No!), I Can smoke inside (Can smoke inside) [ROB] 'Cause losing you is like having no cash It's like having a cold in the middle of summer Losing you is a sold-out movie No big deal, just kind of a bummer [ROB & EX-GIRLFRIENDS] It's/You're a pizza dream, an ice cream headache That you know will soon be gone [ROB] Five minutes of pain, then you move on [EX-GIRLFRIENDS] Move on [ROB] You move on [EX-GIRLFRIENDS] Move on [ALISON, spoken] 'Cause, you know, you're not really [ALISON & SARAH, spoken] Offering him anything new here [CHARLIE, PENNY & SARAH, spoken] If you wanna force your way onto the list, Laura [EX-GIRLFRIENDS, spoken] You'll have to do a lot better than this! [ROB & EX-GIRLFRIENDS, ROB] So bye bye, Laura Nice try, Laura You came far, Laura Close but no cigar [ROB] You can't shame me like Alison Or blame me like Penny Or disrupt my life like Jackie Or crush me like Charlie [ROB & EX-GIRLFRIENDS] And I'm stronger (Yeah) than when Sarah left (Yeah) Gloomy, sure (Yeah), but not bereft (Yeah) [ROB & EX-GIRLFRIENDS, ROB] And though I see a trend here I am nowhere near the end here You do not represent My last best chance at a Meaningful relationship And let me give you one last tip! [LAURA, spoken] Hey, I forgot my toiletry bag [ROB, spoken] Laura, listen, we're being stupid Let's just order in tonight and sort this out [LAURA, spoken] Goodbye, Rob Take care of yourself [ROB] My desert island all-time top five break-ups My five-star humiliations, soul-quaking shake-ups Oh Laura, Laura, you'll be missed But sweet, sweet Laura, you [ROB & EX-GIRLFRIENDS] You, you, you, you [ROB] Don't even make the list