The Last Real Record Store on Earth

Lyrics

[ROB] I've got my daily crossword and there's coffee in the pot I got cable and a girlfriend who is pissed off but she's hot I've got records that it's taken me a lifetime to amass And I play 'em on a system that will kick your system's ass And if my life's not perfect If I'm anxious, bored or sad Well, today may be less shitty With whole chunks of not so bad And I wouldn't change a thing about it No, I wouldn't wanna change a thing In a world that's unreliable These are rocks on which to cling Nothing's great and nothing's new But "nothing" has its worth Meet the real go-getter With the thrift store sweater And the last real record store on earth I get by relying on the freaks who can't survive Without their Japanese import or their Zappa forty-five They're really kind of sad, hell, I'd be making fun of them If it weren't for the fact I'm really one of them [ROB & ENSEMBLE] Yes, if you're into vinyl We've got everything essential (Ah-ah-ah) I'm sitting on a business that has zero growth potential [ENSEMBLE] And I wouldn't change a thing about it A to K rack, L to Z It's dark and dingy, never crowded All a record store should be [ROB] "For the serious collector Who knows a record's worth" Need a vintage Decca? Step into my mecca [ROB & ENSEMBLE] It's the last real record store on earth! [DICK] Ever since I lost control [ROB, spoken] That's Dick He works for me [DICK] It's a Hiroshima of the soul [ROB, spoken] He's listened to every record in this store [DICK] Ever since we we've been apart [ROB, spoken] Twice [DICK] It's a Hiroshima of my heart [ENSEMBLE] Hiroshima of my heart [DICK] I want to find a love [ENSEMBLE] Hiroshima of my heart [DICK] A love to call my own [ENSEMBLE] Hiroshima of my heart [DICK] But I'm too weird and shy I guess I'll die alone [ROB, spoken] Barry, you're late! [BARRY, spoken] Yeah, sorry, I stopped to get you this box of seven doughnuts [ROB] What can I do? They came as temps But then they started showing up here every day It's been four years, they just won't leave They never even asked me for a raise in pay And as I gaze across this filthy space I see insanity in every face Some days I think I should just torch the place But then I think, where would I go? Find guys who prize the things I know? [BARRY] It smells like ass [ROB, DICK, BARRY & ENSEMBLE] But even so... I wouldn't change a thing about it 'Cause most other stores are crap Buying music shouldn't be like Buying khakis at the Gap [MEN] Don't fall into the Gap [ROB, DICK & BARRY] We're the experts here on everything That's anything of worth [ROB, DICK, BARRY & ENSEMBLE] If you hate mass market Bring your ass and park it At the last real record store on earth [BARRY & DICK] This ain't no Tower! [ENSEMBLE] This ain't no Tower! [BARRY & DICK] This ain't no Coconuts! [ENSEMBLE] This ain't no Coconuts! [BARRY, spoken] And this ain't no soulless, sanitized, corporate, Third Reich fuckin' Walmart! [ROB, spoken] All right, Barry [BARRY, spoken] They're sucking the blood of the little guys! [ROB, spoken] No shit [ROB] My rent check bounced [BARRY] I live at home [DICK] Stayed up 'til four watching Mary Tyler Moore [ROB] My girl holds out [BARRY] My girl inflates [DICK] I think I had sex once, but I'm not sure [ROB, DICK, BARRY & ENSEMBLE] The things I hope for seem so far away [DICK] So far away [ROB, DICK, BARRY & ENSEMBLE] I'm not too brilliant on the day-to-day [BARRY] What's the day today? [ROB, DICK, BARRY & ENSEMBLE] That's why I come Monday through Saturday [DICK, BARRY & ENSEMBLE] And I wouldn't change a thing about it My whole world's inside this door [ROB, DICK, BARRY & ENSEMBLE] Where would I go, what would I do without it? This is all I'm living for [ROB & ENSEMBLE] For the serious collector Who knows a record's worth [ROB] If you hate mass market Bring your ass and park it [ROB, DICK, BARRY & ENSEMBLE] It's the best—that's final Find the finest vinyl At the last real record store— [ROB] We've got blues and soul and R&B We've got blues and soul and R&B [ROB & BARRY] We've got blues and soul and R&B (Ska, punk and New Wave) We've got blues and soul and R&B (Ska, punk and New Wave) [ROB, BARRY & DICK] We've got blues and soul (Ska, punk and New Wave) (Hip hop) And R&B (Rock and pop) We've got blues and soul (Ska, punk and New Wave) (Hip hop) And R&B (Rock and pop) [ROB, DICK & BARRY] And the only thing that we don't have is Customers who shop [ROB] I always dreamed someday I'd have this wonderful career I went where the music took me And oh God, it took me here [ROB, BARRY, DICK & ENSEMBLE] And they'll write it on my tombstone (Ooh, ooh) Right beside my date of birth (Ooh, ooh) [ROB] Part-time stoner Went from clerk to owner Of the last real record store on earth [BARRY, DICK & ENSEMBLE] Wouldn't change a thing about it [ROB] Last real record store on earth [BARRY, DICK & ENSEMBLE] Gonna get up on the roof and shout it [ROB] Last real record store on earth [BARRY, DICK & ENSEMBLE] But will it hold us all? I doubt it [ROB] And I [BARRY, DICK & ENSEMBLE] I, I [ROB, DICK & BARRY] I wouldn't change a thing [ENSEMBLE] Wouldn't change a Wouldn't change a Wouldn't change a thing [ROB, DICK & BARRY] I wouldn't change a thing [ENSEMBLE] Wouldn't change a Wouldn't change a Wouldn't change a thing [ROB, DICK & BARRY] I wouldn't change a thing [ENSEMBLE] Wouldn't change a thing Wouldn't change a Wouldn't change a thing