The Inquisition

Lyrics

[Inquisitor] (spoken) All pay heed! Now enters his holiness Torquemada, the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition! Torquemada; do not employ him for compassion Torquemada; do not beg him for forgiveness Torquemada; do not ask him for mercy Let's face it, you can't Torquemada anything! [Torquemada] (spoken) Let all those who wish to confess their evil ways and accept and embrace the true church convert now or forever burn in hell for now begins the Inquisition! (Torquemada Slides down to the monks) (sung) The Inquisition, let's begin The Inquisition, look out sin We have a mission to convert the Jews (Jew ja Jew ja Jew ja Jews) We're gonna teach them wrong from right We're gonna help them see the light And make an offer that they can't refuse (that the Jews just can't refuse) [Refrain] Confess (confess, confess) Don't be boring Say yes (say yes, say yes) Don't be dull A fact you're ignoring It's better to lose your skullcap than your skull [Jews] Oy oy gevalt [Torquemada] The Inquisition, what a show The Inquisition, here we go We know you're wishin' That we'd go away But the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay The Inquisition, oh boy The Inquisition, what a joy The Inquisition, oy oy [First Jewish Man] I was sitting in a temple I was minding my own business I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass Then these papus persons plunge in, and they throw me in a Dungeon, and they shove a red hot poker up my ass Is that considerate? Is that polite? And not a tube of Preparation H in sight [Second Jewish Man] I'm sittin', flickin' chickens and I'm looking through the pickins' and suddenly these guys break down my walls I didn't even know them and they grabbed me by the scrotum and they started playing ping pong with my balls Oy, the agony Ooh, the shame To make my privates public for a game [Hook] The Inquisition, what a show The Inquisition, here we go We know you're wishing That we'd go away But the Inquistion's here and it's here to - [Executioners] - Hey, Torquemada, whaddaya say? [Torquemada] I just got back from the auto-da-fé [Executioners] Auto-da-fé? What's an auto-da-fé? [Torquemada] It's what you oughtn't to do but you do anyway [Interlude] Skit skat voodely vat tootin de day Will you convert? No, no, no, no Will you confess? No, no, no, no Will you revert? No, no, no, no Will you say yes? No, no, no, no Now I ask in a nice way, I said pretty please, I bent their ears Now I'll work on their knees! (Whacks their knees with two mallets) [Dance Break] [Inquisitors] Hey, Torquemada, walk this way We got a little game that you might wanna play So pull that handle, try your luck [Inquisitor] (spoken) Who knows, Torque. You might win a buck! [Torquemada] (spoken) All right! (Spins the wheel, get's three jews in a row like a slot machine) [Torquemada] (spoken) Put it in the car [Inquisitor] (whispered) In the car [Inquisitor] (whispered) In the car [Torquemada] How we doing? Any converts today? [Executioners] Not a one! Nay, nay, nay! [Torquemada] We've flattened their fingers We've branded their buns Nothing is working Send in the nuns! (The nuns walk in, a giant block rises and the nuns partake in a swimming show, the jewish men go down a slide and are promptly drowned. It ends with the nuns coming back up with lights on their head and it turns out to take the shape of a menorah) [Torquemada and Company] The Inquisition, what a show The Inquisition, here we go We know you're wishin' That we'd go away So, c'mon you Moslems and you Jews We got big news for all of yous You better change your point of views today Cause the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay