The Spanish Inquisition

Lyrics

{INQUISITOR} (spoken) All pay heed! Now enters his holiness Torquemada, the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition! Torquemada; do not employ him for compassion Torquemada; do not beg him for forgiveness Torquemada; do not ask him for mercy Let's face it, you can't Torquemada anything! {TORQUEMADA} (spoken) Let all those who wish to confess their evil ways and accept and embrace the true church convert now or forever burn in hell for now begins the Inquisition! {TORQUEMADA (INQUISITORS)} (sung) The Inquisition (Let's begin!) The Inquisition (Look out, sin!) We have a mission To convert the Jews (Jew-jew-jew-jew-jew-jew-jews) We're gonna teach them (Wrong from right!) We're gonna help them (See the light!) And make an offer That they can't refuse (that the Jews just can't refuse) Confess! Don't be boring! Say yes! Don't be dull! A fact You're ignoring; It's better to lose your skullcap Than your skull! {JEWS} Oye gevalt! {TORQUEMADA (INQUISITORS)} The Inquisition (What a show!) The Inquisition (Here we go!) We know you're wishing that we go away But the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay (The Inquisition, oh boy! The Inquisition, what a joy! The Inquisition, oy, oy!) {JEW #1} I was sitting in a temple I was minding my own business I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass Then these Papist persons plunging And they throw me in a dungeon And they shoved a red hot poker up my ass! Is that considerate? Is that polite? And not a tube of Preparation H in sight {JEW #2} I'm sittin' flickin' chickens And I'm lookin' through the pickins' And suddenly these goys break down my walls I didn't even know them And they grabbed me by the scrotum And they started playing ping-pong with my balls! Oy, the agony! Ooh, the shame! They make my privates public for a game? {TORQUEMADA (INQUISITORS)} The Inquisition (What a show!) The Inquisition (Here we go!) We know you're wishing that we go away But the Inquisition's here and it's here to— {EXECUTIONERS} Hey Torquemada, whaddaya say? {TORQUEMADA} I just got back from the auto-da-fé {EXECUTIONERS} Auto-da-fé? What's an auto-da-fé? {TORQUEMADA (JEWS)} It's what you oughtn't to do but you do anyway Skit-skat-voodly-vat Doodly-day! Will you convert? (No, no, no, no) Will you confess? (No, no, no, no) Will you revert? (No, no, no, no) Will you say yes? (No, no, no, no) Now I asked in a nice way I said pretty please I bent their ears Now I'll work on their knees! {Dance Break} {INQUISITORS} Hey Torquemada, walk this way We gotta little game that you might wanna to play So pull that handle try your luck! {INQUISITOR} (spoken) Who knows, Torque. You might win a buck! {TORQUEMADA} (spoken) All right! {TORQUEMADA} (spoken) Put it in the car {INQUISITOR} (spoken) In the car {INQUISITOR} (spoken) In the car {TORQUEMADA} How we doing? Any converts today? {EXECUTIONERS} Not a one! Nay, nay, nay! {TORQUEMADA} We've flattened their fingers We've branded their buns Nothing is working! SEND IN THE NUNS! {TORQUEMADA and COMPANY} The Inquisition, what a show! The Inquisition, here we go! We know you're wishin' that we go away So come on, you Muslims and you Jews We got big news for all of youse You better change your point of views today 'cause the Inquisition's here and it's here to stay!