I Hate Musicals (1994)

Lyrics

[LITA ENCORE] Honey, if I want to see theater I'll go see a play With no singing and dancing To get in the way Theatre is language And that should be all Music belongs at the Carnegie Hall Not a reason on earth As far as I know To write, mount, and open A musical show [LITA, spoken] Honey, I've been a theater critic For a hundred years And it's always the same! [LITA] The story is moving Chock-full of suspense The plot takes a twist The mood is intense Then someone sings a song like this! It doesn't make sense Puh-leeze, I hatе musicals! I hate the new shows Thеy're nothing but sets I miss the Von Trapp kids The Sharks and The Jets Unplug those keyboards Give me clarinets Miss Otis says with no regrets I hate musicals There doesn't seem to be a shred Of anything new The hottest shows were all composed By late sixty-two Now if you want to create a sensation Use a Hollywood star And amplification And whether the show is a hit or a flop They sell T-shirts and caps with Their logos on top So even though you hate she show At least you can shop One size fits all At a musical I hate the genre it's all second-rate When forced to see this dreck I always come late From overture to curtain call It all turns me off I sit there and cough The whole night long 'Cause I hate musicals But not as much as I hate this song How I hated "Phantom" Down to each candelabra I took the book along And read through "Les Miserables" When it comes to subtlety The Brits fall a hair short If I want helicopters I'll go to the airport So keep your "Chorus Lines" Of "Gypsys" and "Mames I'd rather see a flick Or bowl a few frames No matter who is starring I'm never enticed It's way overpriced and I won't pay 'Cause I hate musicals But I fear they're here to stay Yes! I hate musicals But not as much as I hate Ballet