Squaredance/Showdown

Lyrics

(We are transported into a Wild West Square Dance/Hoedown.) (Commentators in the trance.) SAMSON: Woo-eee! JAYNIE: Yes woo-eee! SAMSON: Just say woo-eee. Say woo-eee! JAYNIE: Woo-eee! SAMSON: Everybody out there in the square dance tonight, say "woo-eee!" CONTESTANTS: Woo-eee! MO: Ya'now! Giddy up! SAMSON: Makes you feel good to get down and dirty, doesn't it? MO: Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick DJ: EVERYBODY HERE NOW GATHER ROUND GRAB YOUR PARTNER DON'T MAKE A SOUND START IT OFF EASY WITH A DOSEY DOE CHICKEN IN THE BREAD PAN PICKIN' OUT DOUGH A RIGHT AND LEFT AROUND THE RING WHILE THE ROOSTERS CROW AND THE BIRDIES SING ACE OF DIAMONDS, JACK OF SPADES MEET YOUR PARTNER AND PROMENADE ROGER: Do you think we're no longer compatible? DAKOTA: I didn't say that ROGER: But that's what you think? DAKOTA: I think we're in different places in our lives ROGER: Because I'm in highschool and you're in college? DAKOTA: Yeah ROGER: So you want to break up DAKOTA: I don't know! DJ: NOW EVERYBODY'S ALL PARTNERED OFF SO DON'T GET SCARED AND DON'T GET SOFT CRACK THAT WHIP, JERK THE LINE LETS START DANCING AND HAVE A GOOD TIME JENNY IS SWEET, AND SALLY IS A GOOD ONE I WANT THE GIRL WITH TAPIOCA PUDDIN' TAKE IT TOO FAST AND TAKE IT TOO FAR IN THE BACKSEAT OF YOUR PARENT'S CAR SLIDE SLIDE BUMP AND GRIND KEEP IT SHALLOW, TURN OFF YOUR MIND EVERYBODY'S DOING IT WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LOOSEN IT UP LIKE THE BIG BOYS DO CHORUS: DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY DOE DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY DOE ROGER: What do you want me to do? DAKOTA: Make a decision ROGER: About sex? DAKOTA: About everything ROGER & DAKOTA: I DON'T WANNA THINK ABOUT THE MILLION THINGS THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO THINK ABOUT EVERY CHOICE I MAKE FILLS ME WITH TERROR DREAD AND NAUSEA AND DOUBT DJ: BOW TO YOU PARTNER AND THE CORNER MISS TO THE OPPOSITE FELLA BLOW A BIG FAT KISS SLAP YOUR KNEE, CORNER SALUTE CIRCLE LEFT, GO LICKETY-SCOOT CALL YOUR DOGS AND GRAB YOUR GUN KEEP ON DANCIN' AND HAVIN' SOME FUN CAT IN THE BARN, RAT IN HER MOUTH GRAB YOUR HONEY AND HEAD HER SOUTH BOYS ARE STUDS AND GIRLS ARE SLUTS AND QUEERS AREN'T EVEN S'POSED TO DO THAT STUFF CUT OUT YOUR HEART, LEARN THE RULES DON'T FEEL TOO MUCH KEEP IT LIGHT AND COOL CHORUS: DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY DOE DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY DOSEY DOE DAKOTA: Oh my god, this isn't sustainable ROGER: Does that mean you want to break up? DAKOTA: I don't know, do you want to break up? ROGER: I don't know, do you want to break up? DAKOTA: I mean do you? ROGER: Do you? DAKOTA: Do you? ROGER: Do you? DJ: ENOUGH! DAKOTA: What? DJ: We're going to try something new. An old fashioned duel DAKOTA: What? DJ: There are things you want, that you cannot have if he gets the things he wants, the getting of which would mean you are out of luck ROGER: What? DJ: Mutually exclusive blah blah blah. We've come to a sprint (DJ hits the SIREN.) DJ: Take your guns DAKOTA: Guns? ROGER: Why guns? DAKOTA: I'm not taking it DJ You've got to take it DAKOTA: I'm not taking it DJ: If you don't take it, I'll just shoot you DAKOTA: What? ROGER: Dakota take it! DAKOTA: I don't even know how to fire a gun. What? Do you? ROGER: Yeah, I mean, it's part of being an Eagle Scout DAKOTA: What?! DJ: On the count of three, you're going to turn around and fire. The winner keeps going and the loser, is, well, shot DAKOTA Roger, what are we going to do? Roger? ROGER: I'm not going to shoot you DAKOTA: Neither am I DJ: THREE COMMENTATORS: Three three three three ROGER: I HAVE NEVER LOVED ANYONE THE WAY THAT I LOVE YOU YOU ARE STARS AND MOONS AND SUNS AND SKIES AND CLEAR WATERS OF BLUE DAKOTA: YEAH BUT MAYBE THAT'S JUST POETRY YOU'RE ONLY SIXTEEN YEARS OLD AND STARS AND SUNS ARE THE SAME THING ANYWAY ROGER: OKAY OKAY BUT I THOUGHT THIS WAS EVERYTHING HOW COULD ANYTHING OTHER THAN TRUE LOVE FEEL THIS WAY DAKOTA: THEN WHY DON'T YOU SHOW ME MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN TONIGHT IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AND YOU JUST SIT THERE DJ: TWO COMMENTATORS: Two two two two ROGER: BUT I DON'T KNOW IT'S ALL TOO BIG I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE JUST RIGHT I CAN NEVER GET THIS MOMENT BACK WHAT IF MY HEART'S NOT STRONG ENOUGH WHAT IF I DON'T KNOW THE RIGHT MOVES WHAT IF IT'S MECHANICAL AND WOODEN DAKOTA: OH JUST TAKE ME TAKE ME TAKE ME I'M READY ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US IT'S SO SIMPLE, BE AN ANIMAL SO MANY GUYS THINK ABOUT THIS LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF EVERY SINGLE DAY ROGER: WELL I GUESS I'M JUST NOT LIKE THOSE OTHER GUYS WELL I GUESS I'M JUST A LITTLE MORE SENSITIVE DAKOTA: AND I LOVE HOW SENSITIVE YOU ARE BUT I GUESS WE'RE JUST NOT IN THE SAME PLACE ANYMORE ROGER: DAKOTA, ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME? DAKOTA: I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW DO YOU—WANT TO BREAK UP WITH ME? YOU'RE ALL I'VE EVER KNOWN AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THESE FEELINGS I'M BURNING UP OH MY STOMACH IS BUTTERFLIES ROGER: MINE TOO DAKOTA, MY STOMACH IS BUTTERFLIES TOO WHAT SHOULD WE DO? DAKOTA: OH I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAN WE DO? ROGER: I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW IT'S ALL SO BIG WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO? DJ: ONE COMMENTATORS: One one one one ROGER & DAKOTA: THIS IS THE ONE LOVE OF MY LIFE THE ONE LOVE OF MY LIFE YOU'RE THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER KNOWN HOW CAN I LET THAT GO OH WHAT CAN I DO OH WHAT CAN I DO— DJ: Oh for God's sake— (DJ shoots both DAKOTA and ROGER in the head.) (DJ hits the AIR HORN. End of Wild West Heat.)