Saturday at the Met

Lyrics

[DEB] Here's one thing you should know about me: My sense of direction is irrefutable It's a trait That's so innate That it's absolutely indisputable I always know which way is north No matter where I go So I don't understand Why I can't find my way Through the fucking Metropolitan Museum! I got an email, "Dear Deb We should meet so I can Give you back your book" Okay Another email, "Dear Deb" [WARREN] "Dear Deb" [DEB & WARREN] "We should meet somewhere in public So you won't think I'm a crook" [WARREN] "At the Met Museum In room twenty-one There's a landscape by Monet (You can't miss it!) So I'll see you there at half past twelve This coming Saturday" [DEB] Okay, first of all Who doesn't just say "Let's meet at Starbucks?" The Met Museum is friggin' immense And secondly The Met's the only place In New York City Where the traffic patterns don't make sense Sure, they've got a map— Oh, excuse me A "plan," as they call it— But it isn't worth my spit You'd be better off following bread crumbs Through this godforsaken museum [JASON] Hey, come on, let's go! We've got a whole museum to visit We should probably pick up on the pace [CLAIRE] Jason, we are at the Met The thing that makes it special Is it takes a while to wander through the place [JASON] This says to skip this room... [CLAIRE] Shh… [JASON] ...Turn left and zoom to the suits of armor [CLAIRE] This says that x-rays show An entire other portrait on the canvas below Isn't that weird? How it just disappeared? [DEB, spoken] Excuse me, is that a Monet? [CLAIRE, spoken] That's a Manet [DEB, spoken] Monet [CLAIRE, spoken] Manet [DEB, spoken] Aagh! [CLAIRE] He wanted to come here He loves it, I know Look, he's running ahead Like a kid in a toy store And me, I'm here Watching him go He likes the Masters While I prefer wackier things So, of course we wind up In separate wings I should go find him Not leave him alone But I don't know, lately When he's right beside me I'd rather be off on my own I mean, maybe I'm crazy But really, I think he'll be fine If he goes his own way And I just go mine [DEB, spoken] Excuse me, I'm looking for gallery twenty-one? [JASON, spoken] I think this is Gallery K [DEB, spoken] K? [JASON, spoken] K [DEB, spoken] Aagh! [JASON] So much for Saturday at the Met I thought I'd find her here In search of modern art, and yet— I'm unimpressed by Klimt and Dali It takes a sharper eye To paint things like they're supposed to be Give me a portrait where a face is a face Don't give me theories about "negative space" Why would I care about what isn't there? Except where What isn't there Is Claire I wish she'd look at this painting... [CLAIRE] Look at this painting… [JASON] Describe what she sees... [CLAIRE] How it swallows you up like a storm... [JASON] Is she moved by that column? [CLAIRE] Those orangey yellows... [JASON] Or maybe those trees? [CLAIRE] Still, keeping you warm... [JASON] Would she tell me she hates it? [CLAIRE] How everything shimmers red... [JASON] Or say something more? [CLAIRE] And carries you away... [JASON] Would it change our perspective From the moment before? [CLAIRE] Why did we come here? I'll never know It's like the colors in this painting might get lost If he came in to say "Hello..." [JASON] Hello [CLAIRE] Hello. Ready to go? [JASON] Oh. Ready. Let's go [DEB] That stupid email "Dear Deb..." I don't think I'm gonna ever find my book I've been wandering around for an hour Or, well, twenty minutes And I think this was a trick I've been duped into spending my afternoon In this awful, crowded, stupid, ugly Horrible museum! [WARREN, spoken] You must be Deb!