Calm

Lyrics

[DEB] So I am on the 6 train heading uptown To my lit professor's office It's, like, light years off of campus Don't ask me why I'm sandwiched in-between this guy who's literally drooling And some European hipster who—well, let's be honest—smells Woody Allen heard Gershwin in the air When he thought "Manhattan" Well, I'm not so impressed: I hear like Philip Glass at best I wish I could take a second to get Calm But it's not working 'Cause like clearly I'm a magnet For a special breed of psycho Who think being weird's A valuable use of time And my notebook likes to wander On its own across the city Taking with it my whole thesis Which I need to write, like, now I don't remember the Muppets getting hives When they took Manhattan But my own diagnosis Is I'm creeping toward psychosis 'Cause I cannot find a place to get Calm It's really hard You know, I tried to take up yoga But you'd be surprised how many folks Don't think deodorant is Zen I even saw a life coach who told me I should breathe "Just breathe" But every time I took in a breath I visualized that life coach's death: She's having brunch at Café Pierre And she's choking and choking and choking and choking 'Til finally she's Calm I'm sorry, anyway I get to my professor's And he sits me down and tells me That my thesis on Virginia Woolf Feels somehow "false" I tell him what I'm working from Is not so much a thesis As the fact that she went crazy and that seems, well... Apropos My professor just tosses back his head And a dry Manhattan I'm wondering which will kill him quicker— The Big Apple or the liquor?— When suddenly I panic and I tell myself I must get someplace Calm I up and run toward Penn Station Like I'd swear my head was ready to blow And I hop a train to Jersey Just as fast as any person can go Then ninety minutes out, I get off At some provincial hamlet I've never heard of There's a real estate office right on the block I can afford a two bedroom, I go into shock I think, "What the heck" I write a check 'Cause there's sunlight, and closets, and laundry But mostly it's calm Calm Calm Calm Calm Really calm Strangely calm Like, Times-Square-at-5 a.m. calm Like, totally-freak-me-out calm Like, I'm-gonna-slowly-go-crazy-and-throw-myself-off-of-the-balcony calm Damn it So I tear up my deposit And I head back to Penn Station Of course, the subway's broken So I walk four miles home And like fourteen hours later I get back to my apartment With my crazy spastic roommates And a room, well, of my own I've got this black and white poster on my wall That says "My Manhattan" And I give it the finger But I let my gaze linger And I notice how the people Look like tiny specks of gray All haphazardly arranged Just like they were in that Monet And suddenly I'm struck by this bizarro revelation That, like, Warren's whacked-out theory Might deserve some exploration I sit on my bed And I realize I'm finally Calm