Hellalujah

Lyrics

[Sampled] "Give God the first portion of your income. Say that with me: Give God the first portion of your income. Give it first! Not after deducts, not after the social security, and the hospitalization, and the malnutrition. Not after all these things on your checklist, 'Oh, I'm gonna give God a little what's left.' You do, and that's what you gonna get from God." [Verse 1: Violent J] Who am I? I'm not the Devil I can take you to my level Above the rocks, above the earth Tell me what your soul is worth How much money do you make? How much will you let me take? I will give you tranquility Just send your welfare checks to me Life is going to expire And your soul will burn in fire You will perish in the thunder Unless you call my hotline number God has asked you to make me rich Me and my fat-whack gaudy bitch On your TV's late at night Send those checks and I'll guide you to the light [Skit: Legz Diamond & Shaggy 2 Dope] "Don't put away your wallets just yet, brothers and sisters. There's Somebody here I'd like all of you to meet. This is little Jonathan. Jonathan, say hello to the lovely people." "Hello." "Jonathan has problems: twisted neck, tangled legs, crooked spine, but we can heal this boy! For just, uh, six thousand dollars, we can heal this boy!" [Verse 2: Violent J] Buddha called me and then stopped by And he told me you're gonna die Unless you buy my holy water Check, cash, or a money order This is true, don't question me I'll even send you shit for free It's only ten bucks for the call And I'll send a prayer, no charge at all Put your lips up to the screen Close your eyelids and intervene Your lips to mine, now send the cash And while you're there, you can kiss my ass Take your paycheck and send me half And I'll send you God's autograph I'll get Allah's and Buddha's too Even Zeus, I don't give a fuck who Just send me that money [Skit: Legz Diamond & Shaggy 2 Dope] "Would you like to be healed, little Jonathan?" "Yeah, Reverend" "You see, brothers and sisters, this-" *beep-beep beep-beep* "Uh, excuse me. I told you never to page me on a sermon day. Yes? Uh-huh. Hallelujah. Outty. People, that was the Lord, today only He will heal this boy, for just five thousand dollars!" [Bridge] Pass the collection plate (Show-show me how you give) Pass the collection plate (G-give-give right to live right) Pass the collection plate (Show-show-show me how you give) Pass the collection plate (Show me how you give, I'll tell you how you live) [Verse 3: Violent J] Your total's twenty-two eleven For your set of keys to Heaven Make the checks out in my name Me or God, it's all the same Bring your crippled ass to me Pay my usher the holy fee I'll bless your legs and bless your chair Then wheel your bitch-ass outta here Now a special ceremony This part don't cost any money Drip a drop of blessed water Now I fertilize your daughter Even though I fucked a hooker Took your baby girl and shook her You still buy everything I sell And I'm living well, see you in Hell [Skit: Legz Diamond & Shaggy 2 Dope] "Four-thousand eight-hundred, nine-hundred, five thousand! Hallelujah! You did it, brothers and sisters! Are you ready, Jonathan?" "Yes, Reverend" "Lord Almighty, we've met your price, give me the healing power, I can feel it, Lord!" "I'm so happy" "Roomy loomy Lamanamanumi! This boy is healed." "Eh?" "Now to the naked eye, it would appear that this boy has not been healed, but I can assure you, this boy's spirit has been healed. Inside this tangled, mangled frame is a healed little boy. His spirit is healed, Hallelujah!" [Skit] "Country cookin', can I take your order?" [?] "You want the redeye gravy with that?" [?] "With chitlins or black-eyed peas?" [?] "Let me cypher up your bill here." [?] "That comes to fourteen ninety-five." [?] "Okay, be ready quicker than two jiggles of a jackrabbit's ass."