Lyrics

A few years back, I was doing a show at the Comic Strip, and my idol, Mr. Paul Rodriguez, was in town doing a benefit. He calls up the Comic Strip, and he says, he says, "Hey, listen, I'm doing a benefit up the street." ("And you know what, vato?") "I'm gonna come down there, and I want to do some shots. Some tequila, some tacos." I'm like, "Let's do it." He shows up to the club, and he says, "All right, get in the car. Let's go." "Where are we going?" "We're going to Juarez." "Juarez? Let's eat some tacos herе." "I can't afford you here. Let's go to thе other side." So we wind up on the other side, and we wound up killing some tacos, and, you know, we wound up crossing the border. And when we crossed the border, it was a few months after I taped a bunch of water commercials here. You guys remember the water commercials? Yeah, and then they pulled me off the advertising because they said I was too fat to sell water. Whatever. So we're crossing the border, and Immigration was right there, and they're checking the cars, and we're in a blue van. My buddy Jim, who's sitting over there, was driving, and Border Patrol comes over to the window, and he goes... He opens the door and he sees me. He goes, "Oh, my God. It's you. You're hysterical. And I go, "What do you think of this guy?" And Paul was like, "Hey, what's up?" And the guy was like, "Oh, my God." So we wound up taking pictures at the border. And it was so funny, 'cause we're outside the car, and we're pretending to be arrested, right? People are driving by going, "Let Paul Rodriguez and Pikachu go! They're American, "bitch"! Let 'em go!" It was priceless. We crossed the border, and Paul was like, "I want to go hang out and have a good time." He went to this place off the 10 called Jaguars. It's a "Male," you know, gentleman's club, whatever you want to call it. So we go in there, and I'm like, "Oh, my God." As soon as we walked in, I'm like... I'm thinking Paul's gonna be all like, "Shh, I don't want nobody to know I'm here." Goes over to the DJ, and the DJ's like, "All right, ladies, look who just walked in: Paul Rodriguez!" All of a sudden, there's, like, 32 lap dances that stop like that. And all these girls, they bum-rush Paul. And I'm like, "Wow, I got to get funnier." So we're hanging out there for a couple of hours. So we wind up outside in the parking lot, And this girl jumped into the car, and she's like, "Oh, my God, Paul Rodriguez. "I love you. My mama's a huge fan too. Here. Please, please, please." And he, "Whatever, whatever, okay, come here, come here." "Here, please, talk to her on the phone." ("Pray.") He looks at me in the front seat, and he goes, "Hey, ("you"), Iglesias. Here, be me." He put me on the phone with the girl's mom. I'm like, "Hey, señora. How you doing? "Yeah, you know, uh... "Your daughter, she's a real angel. Yeah. That's what they call her here." Yeah, man, I love Paul. Like I said, Paul's the... You know, one of the main reasons why I got into comedy. And he used to mess with me a lot; trust me. In my last special, I talked about how I had a Volkswagen Beetle. It was a true story. I really had a Beetle. And I got rid of it because I got tired of the fat jokes. When you're a fluffy guy and you have a little car and all of your friends are professional comedians... Oh, they'll make you cry. Paul, especially. "How the hell did you manage to squeeze inside of that? "Hombre, I have never seen a car expand before "while someone was inside of it. "How do you get a stretch mark on the windshield? "That's what I want to know. When you fart, does it go faster?" One after another after another. I'm like, "Oh, my God." And you know what it is? It's Karma. 'Cause ten years ago, I did a joke about Paul Rodriguez on TV. I used to be on a show on the Nickelodeon Network called "All That". Some of you remember? Yeah? That was me, a lot smaller. I was only two X's. I was a ("two X"). Yeah. Anyway, as soon as the TV show season was over, they gave all the cast members gifts. They gave this one girl a TV, this one kid a DVD collection. Since I was the only one who had his own car, they gave me a car alarm with a remote start to it. A lot of cars have those now, but think back ten years ago. There was only a few that had the... My friends went, "Where'd you get that?" I looked at them, and I said... "Nickelodeon!" "That's bad!" I go to show it off to everybody. I show it to my mom, I said, "Mom, go to the car. I got to use the bathroom. I left you a present." "Un present, okay!" So she goes to the car, and I started the car from the kitchen. ("The Devil! The Devil!") ("The Devil!") I had to run outside. "Mom, it's not the Devil. Look it, look it, look it." "Nickelodeon!" "Oh, my God, ("Son"). Oh, my God, you scared me." ("You farted me, Son.") "Oh, my God, "(look"). Smell, smell, smell. Smell, ("Son"), smell. " I wind up doing a show in Hollywood at a comedy club, and I'm working with my idol, with Paul Rodriguez. Soon as the show was over, we go... You know, we're walking out the door, and he walks up to me and he says, "You know, I like the whole fluffy thing you do. "It's catchy. Sounds cute. Keep eating." We walk outside, and my car is parked there first because I showed up late. So I'm... You know, my car's right there and Paul walks by. "All right, take it easy." He walks right in front of my car. And my friend goes, "Dude, show him your car. Show him Nickelodeon." And I couldn't help it, you know, freakin'... "Hey! ("Son him!") What the hell? What is this?" "Paul!" "Nickelodeon!" ("Man, you bastard,") Fluffy, you gave me a heart attack. You take it easy." Valet brings his car around, a brand-new Porsche 911. The car was nice. You know, it pulls up. Valet gives him the keys. He turns around and looks at me. "Hey, ("you"), Fluffy. Check it out." I'm like, "Whatever. It's not Nickelodeon." The door pops open. Trunk. "I'm not through yet." "HBO."