Dig a Hole in the Ground, Or, How to Prosper During the Coming Nuclear War

Lyrics

[Verse 1] You hear so many rumors sometimes you get confused But I read it in Time magazine and I heard it on the news We'll see dramatic changes in the lifestyle we enjoy If those megatons of atom bombs are actually deployed The scenarios are scary, oh, but they don't worry me Since I received a pamphlet from a federal agency It's got diagrams and checklists and I read it front to back And it told me what to do in case of nuclear attack [Chorus] Just dig a hole in the ground, climb right on down Lay some boards on top of you and sprinkle dirt around You won't have to be dead if you only plan ahead You'll be glad you kept a shovel on hand [Verse 2] Now you can't just go picking any old place to dig your hole Got to take a ride to the countryside to the town where you are told If your plates are odd-numbered please don't panic, you'll be fine Just politely let those even-numbered cars go first in line If you don't have a car, just hail a cab or ride your bike You can climb aboard the Amtrak train, sit back, enjoy the sights You and thousands of your city friends will be welcomed cordially By townfolk who will show you country hospitality [Chorus] Then dig a hole in the ground, climb right on down Lay some boards on top of you and sprinkle dirt around You won't have to be dead if you only plan ahead You'll be glad you kept a shovel on hand [Verse 3] We're sure to give you notice up to seven days before But it's wise to recognize the warning signs of nuclear war If the temperature is rising in a flash of blinding light Grab your toothbrush and a flashlight and shut the windows tight If the wind is blowing wicked and there's buildings in the air Blisters on your body, fire in your hair If the Tupperware is melting and your dinner plans are wrecked Stay calm, it's time to put this foolproof plan into effect [Chorus] Just dig a hole in the ground, climb right on down Lay some boards on top of you and sprinkle dirt around You won't have to be dead if you only plan ahead You'll be glad you kept a shovel on hand (Let's dig it one more time) Dig a hole in the ground, climb right on down (Attention: this is not a test) Lay some boards on top of you and sprinkle dirt around (Implement emergency preparedness plan immediately) You won't have to be dead if you only plan ahead (Repeat: this is not a test) You'll be glad you kept a shovel on hand (Implement emergency preparedness plan immediately) (Attention: this is not a test) [Outro] Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas any more