Obscene and Pornographic Art

Lyrics

[Verse 1] Mr. B's out of town And I can't find anyone to have an affair with So I just mosey on down To the Metropolitan Museum of Art To look at all the satyrs with hard-ons [Verse 2] They're over there next to the medieval armor Their bronze muscles flexing under their goat fur loincloths Vibrating that little bitty Richter-scale looking thingy box That sits in the corner of the controlled environment Behind the cold hard glass I sit on an imitation neo-classical chair and wait and wait and wait I look into a gilded full length mirror And see my greasy stringy hair and I think "Oh, Hef won't like me like this" [Verse 3] Then I check out that chick Leda With the swan pecking at her pink egg tempera nipple Hey, what that swan be doin', huh? (Uh huh, uh huh) And why? Why? And how about those plump maidens? Those hot cherubic babes being presented to Apollo, Dionysus, Neptune Or one of those other well hung gods, huh? What about them stripped, bare-assed naked like the day they was born With their hands bound by garlands And wet, dewy, budding blossoms ripe and tender to touch Just like the lesbians in that sixteenth century tapestry The one over the harpsichord looking just like California blondes? Mmm Just then three suffragettes descend from the sky On an old fashioned, wooden deus ex machina, singin' [Chorus] I ain't wearin' any underwear I ain't wearin' any underwear I ain't wearin' any underwear I ain't wearin' any underwear I ain't wearin' any underwear I ain't wearin' any underwear I ain't wearin' any underwear I ain't wearin' any underwear [Verse 4] Ooh, plumes of molten rock rising from Venus's mantle Solidify on the crust as plateaus That guard looks cute He has a look of studied melancholy and distraction That reminds me of my old Greek boyfriend The Al Pacino look-alike I called my subtle gigolo Who broke my heart in a hundred places And caused my nervous breakdown That resulted in an unsuccessful suicide attempt Involving forty-two Phenobarbital Where I slept for two days and woke up And luckily lived long enough to reach my sexual peak I wonder whatever happened to him?