The Kindest Thing She Almost Did

Lyrics

It was the year we woke up holding hands like otters do she mentions I'd look cute with a gap So I stopped wearing my retainer all together When she tells me that she loves me and that she has a lying problem on the same day I know I am completley and utterly fucked She makes me watch Starwars with her and then she doesn't even watch it she watches me watching it to make sure im reacting properly I read her daily horoscope to her while she gets ready even though she doesn't believe in it she still tries to act interested in astrology and all that other hippy dippy trippy shit I believe in but can't prove I fall in love with her quickley The way she wanted me to All skin and poems and diet coke listening to Regina Spector on her bed while she calls me baby girl and plays with my hair When I find a boys hair in the rough of her poems I pretend not to when I ask her what she loved about him She says "I know this is bad but he was so terrible to me that I never ran out of things to write about" I wonder if she wants a lover or a writing prompt There is a certain high to hating yourself She told me once I try not to point out the irony As she explains how unhealthy our relationship is Between drags of her cigarette When she takes me on a date to the same rink she use to roller skate at with her last love I do not sob When she apologises for the way he is still The spare key to her heart I assure her it is no problem I try not to be jealous of his sheer-good fortune I do not hate him for becomming the flood in my backyard I do not hate myself for falling in love with a drought dressed like a girl but I do hate myself for falling in love with feeling loved Years later, She is drunk when she tells me "loving you is the kindest thing I almost did" and how impossible it is to train the heart to sit The last time she shouts at me my name foams madly at her mouth She tells me "I dont know how to love anybody with my whole being all at once" I feel so stupid and so small as I tell her Well I don't know how to not In an effort to get her to stay I promise her, I will be whatever you want me to be She tells me, " that is the problem"