Relapse

Lyrics

Sometimes I miss being sick The grimiest part of me wishes I had stayed In that familiar city of grey and mental illness and whatever the opposite of healing is Where there was nothing to laugh about but plenty to write about I've considered myself to be recovered from my eating disorder for three years But I still write about it in present tense I also still keep all of my exes in my contact list And for once, I don't want to write about this For the first time I'm embarrassed instead of proud Of all of the math things I've done for happiness When a friend at dinner makes a casual comment on calories the scoreboard in my head illuminates with numbers again Once I cut a ribbon the size I wanted to be and wore it around like my waist like a bracelet Bathroom scales make me feel nostalgic like a scrapbook I flip through snapshots of my sickness the suppers of tobacco smoke and red lipstick how I used to pack my lunchbox with floss and teeth whitening strips Last night, I painted my nails when I was hungry I can't eat until the polish is dry I don't want to go into more detail because what if you mistake this poem for an instruction manual? I don't know how to talk about the rabbit hole without accidentally inviting you to follow me down it When recovery is not all yoga mats and tea and avocados, it is work It is reminding me that sucking on ice cubes does not count as dinner Body, forgive me It is not healthy to drink so much water that your body becomes a bathtub your organs float in like loofahs Body, forgive me Trying to ignore the caloric calculator in my head is like trying to ignore television subtitles and sometimes I just can't Body, forgive me Recovery is hard work Not wanting to die is hard work Every time you asked if I was full, I heard you say fat But I'm trying so hard not to do that But I cannot unmemorize the calories of a peppermint Wanting to die is not the same as wanting to come home And I'm still trying to remember that.