Locker Room

Lyrics

[Part I: Alla marcia, un poco pesante] [Verse 1] What is the great invention of the era Where every man can go and be a man? And where your wife can call but you don't hear-a? That's the locker room! [Verse 2] When as a father you're a bloody failure When you're ignored as leader of the clan Where can you come and still have people hail ya? To the locker room! [Bridge] Here you can be once again The mightiest man of modern men And here is the simple reason why All you have to do is lie (Isn't it easy?) [Verse 3] Where can you walk around without your clothes on And not have people stare at you in gloom? So gather 'round, my friends, and see what goes on In the locker room, the locker room! [Bridge] At love he is one colossal yawn A bank account that is overdrawn But here he is one romantic guy And all he has to do is lie (What could be simpler?) [Verse 4] When as a caveman you are caving over And as a lover you are out of bloom Where can you come and be a Casanova? To the locker room, the locker room! [Part II: Fandango] [Verse 1] We're the sexiest men you can find But all of it's here in the mind With our own wedded mate, our average is nought But boy, are we great with women we've bought! We're the sexiest men women know We pay them to act like it's so [Verse 2] Then after our bragging and such We long for the punishing touch Of that master of blood and gore The masseur [Part III: Allegro non troppo] [Verse 1] Where the manubrium and gladiolus meet and form a junction I insert my knotty knuckles 'til the junction doesn't function Then I turn to his lymphatic glands and squeeze 'em all like hell! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho, this is swell! [Verse 2] Then I tear a pair of ligaments to keep them all from kinking And I shove his floating kidney 'til the kidney starts in sinking Then I thumb his old umbilicus and batter up his spleen! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho, this is keen! [Bridge] Ah, look at all these vertebrae Ah, this'll be a holiday Here I go up on his spine Ho ho ho ho ho ho I'm glad it isn't mine Ho ho ho ho, ho ho ho ho! [Verse 3] First I crack his sacroiliac until he is sciatic Then I click a pair of clavicles to make him more rheumatic Then I pound him and I pull and and I yank him and I jerk! Ho ho ho ho, ho ho ho ho Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho, how I love my work! [Part IV: Fandango Reprise] [Verse] We're the sexiest men on the walk But all of it's here in our talk We are second to none in verbal amour And, boy, is it fun to be immature We're the sexiest men to be had And if you believe it, you're mad And if you believe it, you're mad!