Lyrics

I was barely 4 in 1989, struck blind for the first time By television ads for Ninja Turtle toys I had to make them mine That Christmas, my mom taught me a very important lesson Totally by accident While trying to alleviate my crazed obsession She was desperate, taking buses out to Harlem just to comb Through the toy stores out there They were all sold out closer to home And as luck would have it, some poorer kid wound up deprived She bought the last one in the store Salvation had arrived ... I woke up before the sun, and lay in bed anticipating Too innocent to know that the pleasure of Consumption Is in the waiting... So when I tore of the wrapping And finally held it in my hands I felt bereft and destitute And I couldn't understand Tears of shame, for my ingratitude Plus the rube's humiliation At having bought the seller's ruse Proved a potent combination Which nourished a fresh suspicion Of a bankrupt Cartoon Culture And my own inherent greed And its empty, rapacious longing For some Shit I didn't need Proprietary Love is Lust, and Lust is Pain It doesn't really matter what you're trying to find When Want gets warped and starts to stifle And it curdles into Need The fulfillment is unkind ... So I spent my childhood trying not to want to much Feeling guilty if I got it, but still enjoying the warm rush Every school year, buying new clothes, or a skateboard Or some coveted new shoes But eventually I learned that I preferred the worn out clothes With less to lose One day, playing in the mud, 10 years old, feeling inhibited by Pain That I felt for the nice clean outfit I'd so foolishly worn out in the rain While my friend wore his black sweatpants every single day And didn't have to care That's the way I wanted Life to be And the same went for my hair... Morning after morning in the mirror with the comb Self-consciously flailing Until one day I left it alone,I was fed up with failing It looked better unattended to, so that's the way I left it And I applied the same principle to clothing and shoes And this Freedom manifested As a reversal of the way I used to feel about possessions I enjoyed watching my shoe soles wearing down I had found a fresh obsession I got a material thrill Watching Time make its impressions As it kept passing by And it kept passing by ... And on a dark and stormy school night 14 years old, stoned and alone, in bed scratching my head I felt a bump at the top of my scalp I thought it was a pimple so I picked it 'til it bled And in the bathroom mirror, sifting through my hair I was shocked to discover the plasma-weeping stump of a mole That I never knew was there I was shaken and deeply disturbed by the sensation Of not knowing my own body Too young and too stoned I was scared But then I fell asleep and I forgot it And I thought that it forgot me For about eleven years ... When I left home, I applied myself To living just below my means Going hungry in the afternoons Ending days alone with rice and beans I knew that Money = Freedom And so I didn't want to spend it I felt ashamed to have a safety net I'd never want to ask my dad to lend it I'd spent my angry, failing teenage years being told I'd never make it Unless I managed to shape up and repent But all it took was a part-time job, and the luck of finding Cheap rent Pretending to be poor at the grocery store Saving up for nothing but peace of mind I kept the receipts from deposited checks As totems of proof that my Freedom was mine... But that was all a bunch of bullshit And I was just a little hypocrite Denying change to the homeless guy For the sake of preserving my unearned and underserved pride ... But one thing I learned from my years of self-enforced frugality Is that the less you're forced to work to earn your keep The less The World of Wants can warp your reality Because the less you spend your money The less you think you need it And the less things that you want The less you wind up feeling cheated ... Time passed... And eventually I aged into a looser state of mind Which allowed for generosity, and favors done in kind ... Time passed...new fears And suddenly I found myself aware Of the scarce resource of years ... Tree rings of fat, twenty pounds every several years And the waves of hair, crashing higher and higher Revealing the stone that that stoned kid feared Oh dear Time is near It's Here ... Having spent my life Trying hard to learn the lesson To not want anything I can't have and don't need Now How do I apply this Knowledge To my own aging body? I stare into the mirror and repeat: Anything I can't have I don't need Anything I can't have I don't need Anything I can't have... I don't want what you're selling me I am exactly what I'm supposed to be Nothing more, or less Than this one breath Exhaling now