Lyrics

—microwave oven, a forty-six inch Sony big screen television set, and finally, a two thousand dollar cashier's check made out to you Oh, wow Now, Mike, knowing that one of those five awards is definitely yours, I'd like to say congratulations again. How does all that sound for a lot of great news today? Well, that sounds fantastic, sir Alright, fantastic. Now, like any other promotion, there are only two things we would like to see you do for us while you're in the process of claiming your award. One is, after you receive the award, take a picture of yourself with it, send that back to us, so we can use it for promotional purposes Okay Now, in approximately sixty days, the company will be calling you back with shipping instructions on one of those five fabulous awards Oh, wow Now, second, like any other promotion, we ask that you become a first time customer of ours by trying one of our health and energy products. What we're using is a tested and proven vitamin and mineral program called Universal Life. Now, Mike, do you currently take vitamins? Yes Okay, fantastic. Mike, these are the finest vitamins on the American market today. Of course, that is my opinion. Uh, I do take them, as well as my wife and children. Okay, that's five tablets a day, they supply most of your daily requirements from A to zinc. Now, these are non-allergenic and they are derived from all natural products Okay It also has what's called a special sustained time release formula, now, that ensures the maximum benefit throughout the day. Now, we have these boxed up in a twelve month supply. During the promotion, Mike, you're receiving that vitamin program for exactly six hundred and ninety-eight dollars. In the same package is going to be your major award certificate, that officially guarantees one of the five major awards. Now Mike, have you ever won a major award? Yeah Okay, fantastic I won the lottery here Really? Yeah Fabulous! Well, Mike, your good fortune is continuing, and I'll tell you what, if you get that Cadillac Coupe Deville, you better send me a bottle of champagne! Okay Okay, now, it won't be a problem getting a picture of you or a loved one with the award, correct? Uh, there is something standing in my way Okay, uh, what would be the best time of day for us to deliver? Umm... uh, could you talk to the Parochial Nimrod? What's that? Huh? What are you talking about, Mike? Well, that's the thing that's standing in my way What's standing in your way? Parochial Nimrod What's that? I'm, I'm, I'm afraid I don't know how to handle it You don't know how to handle what? The Parochial Nimrod Mike, I— what, what are you talking about? What, what, how to handle this from here on You don't know how to handle what? The award? Yeah What do you mean? Well, the, the, Nimbostratus Brick Okay. Mike, what I need is the expiration date on the Visa The Clickit Pardon me, Mike? Um, Zackit? What is the expiration date on your Visa? Um, uh, 10/92 10 of '92? Okay, now, what I need, there's some— what's going on over there? I keep hearing, seems like you're fading out or something It's that Nimrod Your nimrod? Yeah Okay. What I need is the long number that begins with a four. Read that to me slowly— *Gibberish* I need the long number that begins with a four, Mike *Gibberish* Hello? Yeah. Okay, what I need is the long number that begins with a four *Gibberish* Mike! What is going on over there? It's the Parochial Ramrod The Parochial Ramrod? What are you, what are you doing? Well, I'm trying to tell you, sir, that that's going to pose a problem That's the only problem, is your Parochial Rimrod? Yeah Are you taking medication, Mike? Mm-hm Uh, am I st— am I still eligible to be a recipient of these fine awards? Yes, what I need is the long number that begins with a four *Gibberish* Long number that begins with a four *Gibberish* Long number that begins with a four Long— What I need is the long number that begins with a four, Mike Hello? Mike, where is your Parochial Rimrod? Where is that? Um, I've, I think I might've told you the wrong thing. It's, um, I think it's a Rhinoceros Dickrod A Rhinoceros Dickrod Mike, did you take your medication today? Mike, what I need, go grab your Visa Read me the long number that begins with a four Hey, Mike? Hello? Hello, Mike? Yeah? Okay. Grab your Visa. Do you understand what's going on? Yeah Okay. Go grab your Visa I've got it Okay, read me the long number that begins with a four Uh, two, eight, seven, four, eight, three, six Four Look, Mike. Hello, Mike? Yes. Mike, my name is Frank Mathis, I'm the promotional director. If you are not interested in taking part in this promotion, simply tell us you're not interested. This is a long distance call, that we are paying for Oh, I'm very interested, sir Either you're interested, or you're not interested. If you are interested, what we are gonna need to finish up the paperwork would be the account number beginning with a four on the Visa. Do you have that information handy? Yes, I do, sir Okay, well, what we're gonna need is the long number that begins with a four Okay Alright, do you have that there? Yeah Okay, Mike, you have some sort of noise interference. Again I can't tell you what it is— No, I don't You don't what? I don't have it You don't have what? I don't have any interference Okay. Now, you got the number begins with a four? Yes Alright. Read that to me slowly Okay Alright Okay You betcha Alright now, now read the number that begins with a four You bet. Not a problem Read the number, Mike I can accommodate you there, sir Okay, well, Mike, again, if you're not interested, simply say you're not interested I'm very interested, sir I beg your pardon? I'd have to be crazy to turn down these wonderful prizes Well, again, Mike, again, it, uh, we do not appreciate the ridicule. If you're not interested, just forget the sarcasm. All you got to do is simply say "I'm not interested". If you are interested, then this is what we're gonna need Well, do I have to provide a gridicular buttrod? If the bill was going on your number, then again, I think you would be a little more serious with me Well, I need a gridicular giraffe rod Mike, do you have any idea what's going on here? Do you have any idea what, what we're explaining to you? Um, you mentioned something about a Gary Coleman nimrod? Mike, Mike, I, Mike, Mike, are you under any kind of medication? Huh? Have you taken any medication today? *Sigh* If you're under some form of, of medication, I can't get back in touch with you You can? I can't. Okay, I'm not gonna, you know, I don't want you going into a seizure or anything if you need to take any medication right now Um What I can do is I can give you a call back, some time when you're a little more sedated Oh, I'm perfectly fine Okay, well, again, then uh, then, again, we go over this round and around. All I'm gonna need, if you are interested, is the number that begins with the four Okay Now, read me the number. This is the last time I'm going to ask you, Mike. If you're not interested, tell me you're not interested. If you're interested right now, read me the number beginning with the four Okay, um, it's in, it's in my saxophone, I'm gonna have to dig it out Mike, again, I mean, you can joke all you like. Alright? Okay? What? You can joke all you wanna joke, again, that's completely up to you. It's not my award. If you don't want it, we will simply give it to someone else in your area Well, my— it's, the card's in my saxophone Uh-huh. Well, Mike, do you have any clue how ridiculous you sound? Well, I don't think that's very nice Well, again, Mike. I mean, either, you, you, two seconds ago you have the card there, now you don't have the card I dropped it Oh, alright, Mike. Well, listen, I'm gonna be honest with you You know, if you had any clue to what you're talking about, or any idea what we're doing here for you here today, I know you would've participated Well, I'm trying to be a participant Well no, no, Mike, you're not trying to. Alright, if you are interested, then simply read me the number beginning with the four. This is the way we bill the account for the amount of the charge I dropped it in my xylophone Oh, alright. Well, Mike, what I can suggest you do is get yourself some medical help. Okay? What's the problem? Okay, well again, I don't appreciate the sarcasm. If you're not interested simply tell us you're not interested I don't think that's very friendly Mike, you're, I'm telling you Mike, you're hysterical. And you know, I'd love to sit here and waste my valuable time on you, but unfortunately I have a board meeting to go to. I do want you to know that you are turning the award down No, I'm not Well, Mike, again, unless you're going to cooperate with me here, and give me the information I need in order to fill out the paperwork, I am going to have to let you go How about if I perform, uh, taekwondo on you? Well, again, Mike, if that's what you feel you'd like to do, feel free, okay? If you could perform your taekwondo over the phone, again, I'd really love to see that Alright? Yo, shut the fuck up, Chico, man!