Greed (Balsa Wood and Glue)

Lyrics

When I was a young chap, just a little bouncing boy My family was not wealthy so I had to make do With secondhand pyjamas and a single wooden toy: A dinosaur my daddy made with balsa wood and glue But when I turned thirteen and to high school off I trotted I knew immediately that my dino wouldn't do 'Cause I had noticed all the toys the other boys had gotted And I couldn't help myself, I wished that I had got them, too My daddy made a dinosaur with balsa wood and glue But before too long I knew that my dino wouldn't do When I was fifteen years old, I first turned to thieving To satiate my craving to have things the other kids had I stole a gnarly skateboard from a skateboard shop one evening It had bodacious fluoro railing and a wicked fluoro skidpad By the following Monday morning, the skateboardin' turned to boredom My appetite for skating was abating in a flash So I sold my board and bought a pair of flippers and a snorkel But soon I balked at snorkelling, forked my snorkel in the trash My daddy made a dinosaur with balsa wood and glue But before too long I knew that my dino wouldn't do At eighteen I managed hedge funds and got fat by drinking beer At twenty I owned seven cars and houses on the coast I fell in love at twenty-three with a Swedish girl called Mia I bought a 200-quid toaster, with which Mia made me toast At twenty-eight I went through, like, a Buddhist kind of thing And decided that the material world and I were through I hooked up with some Buddhist chicks who said that they were twins But they didn't look that similar, and they did stuff twins don't do My daddy made a dinosaur with balsa wood and glue But before too long I knew that my dino wouldn't do But now I'm forty-seven stone and thirty-one years old I have a kitchen staff of twelve on call twenty-four hours a day And a Page Three girl I pay to lick chocolate from my folds And a rent boy called Llywelyn, though I'm neither Welsh nor gay Now to those who judge my lifestyle to be gluttonous and brash And criticize my excess acquisition and consumption I say that critics of the wealthy are just those who don't have cash And who have never had a prostitute spread marmite on their scrotum My daddy made a dinosaur with balsa wood and glue But before too long I knew that my dino wouldn't do My father died a year ago; to dust he's now returned And I found my wooden dinosaur which all these years has lasted And I cremated it and put it with dad's ashes in an urn Below a gravestone with three words on it: "Stingy fucking bastard" My daddy made a dinosaur with balsa wood and glue Which is all very quaint, but I'd rather eat foie gras inside a Porsche