If Stuart Could Talk [live, London 1990]

Lyrics

LEONARD, DRESSED AS THE DEVIL: This next song is about my faithful servant Leonard's penis!  And his name is Stewart! That's right!  And when you come to the end of your puny little insignificant post-teenage lives, and the ferryman dangles out his boney appendage, you must be made to answer the question: if Stewart could talk... I've got a little friend that's with me to the end What does he say? I'll ask him for opinions and political decisions Each and every day I know that it's a dream, dirty and obscene anyway If Stuart could talk (what would he say?) If Stuart could talk (what would he say?) If Stuart could talk (what would he say?) What would hе say, if Stuey could talk to me? Whenеver I'm alone, I'm really not alone He's always there When I am at the altar, and I know I'm gonna falter But there's not a prayer I know it's up to him If I ever sin, there's a way If Stuart could talk (what would he say?) If Stuart could talk (what would he say?) If Stuart could talk (what would he say?) Well now, what would he say, if Stuey could talk to me? Talk to me What would he say? What would he say? What would he say? [Spoken] What would he say? "Yes, my name is Stuart And I assure you I can speak And lately I find myself astounded At the sort of company you keep One thing further I must mention Of this fact I cannot understand Is your insatiable attention At annoying me with your hand And in closing may I offer This point must be succinct My purpose is for procreation And not facilitating in the sink" If Stuart could talk (what would he say?) If Stuart could talk (what would he say?) If Stuart could talk (what would he say?) If Stuart could talk (what would he say?) If Stuart could talk (what would he say?) If Stuart could talk (what would he say?) Well, if Stuart could talk (what would he say?) Well, well, well, if Stuart could talk (what would he say?) Well, well, well What would he say, if Stuey could talk to me? Talk to me See me Feel me Touch me Stuey See me Feel me Touch me Stuey See me Pull me Touch me Stuey Oh-oh Listening to Stu, I hear the music Gazing at Stu, I get the heat Following Stu, I climb a mountain I get excitement at your Yes I do! Right behind Stu, I hear the music From Stu I hear the glory From Stu I get opinions From Stu I get the story Listening to Stu, I hear the music Gazing at Stu, I get the heat Following Stu, I climb a mountain I get excitement at your feet Oh, look out! [Guitar solo]