The Speed Test

Lyrics

[MR. GRAYDON, spoken] Take a letter. To a Mr. John Hudson, Hudson's Floor Wax. You will find an invoice in the file for the address. "Dear Mr. Hudson," colon: (sung) My eyes are fully open to my awful situation So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation When the floor wax that we bought from you arrived here Monday morning We discovered upon usage that the fumes should have a warning Since the only possibility is that your wax is rancid I request a full refund of all the money we advanced And unless you can convince me you've improved the floor wax batter We will take our business elsewhere, so, I hope you solve this matter (spoken) How's my speed, Miss Dillmount? [MILLIE, spoken] A little slow, perhaps [MR. GRAYDON, sung (faster)] Ah! Enclosed you'll find a small container of the stuff I talk about Just carefully remove the lid and take a whiff if you've a doubt I'm sure you wouldn't want me to alert the daily papers With the news of how our office was affected by your vapours Which is why I choose to write to you a confidential letter Full of strong recommendation that you make your floor wax better I just hope it won't require us to have our floor relaid and If it does you may expect a bill Sincerely, Trevor Graydon (spoken) Now, read that back to me please [MILLIE, spoken] Certainly. "Dear Mr. Hudson," colon: (sung) My eyes are fully open to my awful situation So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation When the floor wax that we bought from you arrived here Monday morning We discovered upon usage that the fumes should have a warning Since the only possibility is that your wax is rancid I request a full refund of all the money we advanced [MR. GRAYDON, spoken] Nice! [MILLIE, sung] And unless you can convince me you've improved the floor wax batter We will take our business elsewhere, so, I hope you solve this matter [MR. GRAYDON, spoken] Not half bad. Continue please [MILLIE, sung (faster)] Enclosed you'll find a small container of the stuff I talk about Just carefully remove the lid and take a whiff if you've a doubt I'm sure you wouldn't want me to alert the daily papers With the news of how our office was affected by your vapours Which is why I choose to write to you a confidential letter Full of strong recommendation that you make your floor wax better I just hope it won't require us to have our floor relaid and If it does you may expect a bill Sincerely, Trevor Graydon [MR. GRAYDON, spoken] Miss Dillmount, may I speak frankly? [MILLIE, spoken] Yes? [MR. GRAYDON, sung] If I could be so lucky as to have a good stenographer To keep this place as up-to-date as her short skirt and bobbed coiffure I wouldn't have to worry 'bout our soured office planking And could concentrate on generating profits ripe for banking That is why I'm testing you with this outrageous correspondence Which I don't intend to actually mail to the respondents So if you can make sense of my unintelligible patter Then the job is yours and Hudson's Floor Wax really doesn't matter! [MILLIE] Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter? Matter, matter, matter, matter Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter? Matter, matter, matter, matter [MR. GRAYDON (simultaneously)] Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter! Matter, matter, matter, matter Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter! [OFFICE WOMEN (simultaneously)] Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter! Matter, matter, matter, matter [MR. GRAYDON, spoken] Now, I want that letter on my desk in two minutes flat. Man your machine! Go! [tap dance break] Time! "Dear Mr. Hudson," [MILLIE and OFFICE WORKERS] Colon [MR. GRAYDON] My eyes are fully open to my awful situation So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation When the floor wax that we bought from you arrived here Monday morning We discovered upon usage that the fumes should have a warning Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid I request a full refund of all the money we advanced And unless you can convince me you've improved the floor wax batter We will take our business elsewhere so I hope you solve this matter [MILLIE and OFFICE WOMEN, sung] So I hope you solve this matter So I hope you solve this matter So I hope you solve this matter Matter, matter, matter, matter [MR. GRAYDON] Going on Enclosed you'll find a small container Of the stuff I talk about Just carefully remove the lid And take a whiff if you've a doubt I'm sure you wouldn't want me to Alert the daily papers With the news of how our office Was affected by your vapours Which is why I choose to write to you A confidential letter Full of strong recommendation That you make your floor wax better I just hope it won't require us To have our floor relaid and If it does you may expect a bill Sincerely, Trevor Graydon! You have made the team Miss Dillmount! [OFFICE WORKERS] You have made the team Miss Dillmount! [MILLIE] Tell me where my desk is When we eat lunch How much I'll be paid, and Nice to meet you, I know we'll be friends Just call me Millie Graydon [MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS] Millie Graydon? [MILLIE] I mean Dillmount! [MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS] Millie Dillmount? [MILLIE] Someday Graydon! [MR. GRAYDON and OFFICE WORKERS] Graydon? Dillmount? Dillmount? Graydon? Graydon? Dillmount? [MILLIE] Graydon! [ALL] Ahh!