Impossible Girls

Lyrics

I don't really watch porn Really! I haven't watched it much Since I got into the business My business is the girls Most girls in this business Only last for four months But the girls that I take Tend to last a few years So, if a girl wants my help And she shows up on time And they seldom show up on time I give 'em my schtick There are three parts to this job: There's the sucking part, the fucking part, and the 'don't make me look bad' part These girls These impossible girls Unreliable and lazy These girls These remarkable girls So needy and so crazy Really, they call me Jew Hefner 'Cause I'm just like their mother Only Jewish and a man Hmm... Part one of my schtick Like I say, its professional Like a real job, like working at IBM A lot of times you might be doing Something you don't like But if you're working in an office And we tell you to file something And you don't like filing That's tough luck The next part of the schtick Is I tell 'em, if you got the choice Between rich and famous, take the rich! And like a lot of girls Think rich and famous are the same And that's why lots of famous porn stars have no money Most of the girls in the business When they're forty years old Working at Denny's Wondering "what the fuck happened to my life?" The trouble with these girls They're terrible with money I take their checks and put them in a Roth IRA Where they can't just cash it and spend it all today 'Cause these girls, if they're smart They can do pretty good I love the ones with a plan Who are nobody's fool There's one who bought a stake in a major fast food franchise While she takes night classes at business school And another one who's like an ex-marine intelligence analyst She's getting her Masters to be a screenwriter And she's like into really heavy hardcore bondage But honestly, the bondage girls tend to be brighter This one girl I met her at the Starbucks and I go, "Well what do you do?" And this girl She goes "I like rough sex You can pull my hair You can punch me in the face You can choke me unconscious!" I go "Well, will you do anal?" She goes "No! That'll hurt! (spoken) Hahaha Ah, really Most of these girls They just need to be hugged If you get to hug a blondie You will feel them holding you back with their unparalleled need to be held (sung) But, um, these girls In the old days, like I said There were a hundred in business And like 20 were stars Now these girls There's like a hundred fucking a day And they all think they're a star (spoken) What did the porn star's right leg say to her left leg? Nothing, they never met! Hahaha