The Actuary Song

Lyrics

[DIANA, spoken] Take your relationship length, or RL First year of RL Is worth six month's recovery The second year is worth exactly half that [MARCIE, spoken] (laughs) [DIANA, spoken] Now don't you laugh at this brilliant discovery [DIANA] Each year is worth one half the lack of mirth the year before was worth Your aches and pains will soon diminish So rebound time "RT" is the fraction of the year it takes for pain to disappear You go through RT and then finish Your RT is important, and it really can't be shortened No matter what you do, don't even try [MARCIE, spoken] What if I…? [DIANA] So you can date around But then those guys will just be rebound men That's what rebound time is all about! And it's as simplе as that! [MARCIE] So I give it time Then find thе one I'm gonna go out and I'll get him Once my rebound time is done I have his picture in my mind It's as clear as black and white He'll be everything I've ever dreamed of I'm gonna find Mr. Right [MARCIE, spoken] Yes? [DIANA, spoken] No. We still need to figure out your rebound time You following me so far? [MARCIE, spoken] Yes? No [DIANA] Some factors can make a relationship feel long Like how right the break up felt Or the way that things went wrong If you ask me, it's plain to see That there are three things to consider When it's all to be configurated Your RL, it can change I know it may sound strange But what matters is how long it feels like you dated Your new RL We'll call it adjusted RL, or just ARL And it's the ARL that changes with: One: What number boyfriend was he? Was it low or was it high? Also known as the Number Boyfriend Index or the NBI This matters, it does And it's four divided by three plus the number boyfriend that he was Two: the Who Broke Up With Whom Concept The WBUWWC, you with me? If he dumped you, you multiply by five fourths If you dumped him, you multiply by three fourths And number three: The Bitterness Factor Rate the bitterness of the breakup on the scale of one to ten You take that number, divide by point five and then you get the BF And it's as simple as that! [MARCIE, spoken] So what's my rebound time? [DIANA, spoken] Well, you actually dated for two years, he was your twenty-seventh boyfriend. Based on how you're reacting to the breakup, I'd say the bitterness was about a five, (calculating) so it's like you dated for a year! [MARCIE, spoken] (gasp) You know, it felt like that! [DIANA, spoken] Exactly! Putting your rebound time at six months. Officially [MARCIE, spoken] Isn't that what I said five minutes ago? [DIANA, spoken] But now it's proven! [MARCIE] So I'll give it time Begin to heal Once I'm done with rebound time It's time to bring on someone real We'll think all the same thoughts And we'll never ever fight He'll be everything I've ever dreamed of I'm gonna find Mr. Right [DIANA, spoken] Yeah, actually… [MARCIE, spoken] What? [DIANA] Well, it's not that simple Some of my friends got their perfect man But just before they got him They dated the worst man possible They hit boyfriend rock bottom [MARCIE] So in order to find my perfect man I need to find someone who's perfectly wrong! I'm in New York, that shouldn't take too long [DIANA] You've gotta find Mr. Wrong while you're in RT Or you'll repeat this cycle forever Just like me [MARCIE & DIANA] I'll give it time (You bet you will, Don't blow it) But first I have to find someone (When I was in my rebound time, I blew it and I knew it, I blew it) Who's flawed, structured, and boring (God I blew it, I blew it and I knew it) He'll have warts of every kind. (Super warty) I'll give it time (Warty, warty, warty, warty) But then leave Mr. Rebound behind (Warty, warty, warty, warty, warty, warty, warty, warty) [DIANA] He'll have a bump Live in a dump Be such a chump That if you hump you'll need a penis-pump [MARCIE & DIANA] I'll give it time (You're gonna give it time) Otherwise I'll be sure (Otherwise you'll be sure) To go back through the cycle that I've cycled through before. (To go back to the cycle that you've cycled through before) I'm sure it won't be pleasant But I'll stand strong (But you'll stand strong) [DIANA & MARCIE] And I swear I will be there No matter where Because I care (To find Mr. Right) We are a pair And we will share The wear and tear [MARCIE, DIANA & BOTH] In the next six months I gotta find Mr. Wrong (You gotta find Mr. Wrong)