The Ape and the Lady

Lyrics

A lady fair, of lineage high Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by— The Maid was radiant as the sun The Ape was a most unsightly one— So it would not do— His scheme fell through; For the Maid, when his love took formal shape Expressed such terror At his monstrous error That he stammered an apology and made his 'scape The picture of a disconcerted Ape With a view to rise in the social scale He shaved his bristles, and he docked his tail He grew moustachios, and he took his tub And he paid a guinea to a toilet club But it would not do The scheme fell through— For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen With golden tresses Like a real princess's While the Ape, despite his razor keen Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen! He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits He crammed his feet into bright tight boots And to start his life on a brand-new plan He christened himself Darwinian Man! But it would not do The scheme fell through— For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey craved Was a radiant Being With a brain far-seeing— While a Man, however well-behaved At best is only a monkey shaved!