From Dud to Stud, From Zero to Hero (Hank Champion)

Lyrics

I went thirteen years without ever having sex Twenty-eight to Forty-one I forgot what sex was That's not true I forgot how to have it Or how t get it Or what to do with it But in fact I thought about it every day at least once Typically in the morning when I saw a girl that worked in my neighborhood coffee shop One day I met a woman Her name was Sheila She was very interested in me I hung out at her place and listened to some music I told her about the no sex She was very interеsted in curing me She bought various holistic things for mе to take Take more than the directions say, she'd say Weeks later she took me to a bed and breakfast up the coast We took ecstasy together We drank We held hands We flirted, but After some time sheila moved in with me I don't know why It was a nice life It was romantic And yet There was no sex We put up nice curtains We took turns with the dishes We went out on the town Photos gathered on the fridge Years went by, and then Sheila had a friend named Carrie Carrie wanted to get pregnant and Sheila offered my name There was a lot of discussion We put a night on the calendar It was all set Sheila went out of town to visit her sister I went over to carries There were candles there was music We had some drinks And days later she sent me a text message It read "thumbs up" And then, Presto I was having sex again First with Sheila It was if I had never gone away Sex sex sex What a complicated thrill What a laborious pleasure So much anxiety Things began to change with Sheila and me We were fighting We were bored We were nitpicking all the time After a while Sheila moved out I had a few one night stands with a gal I met at the Y Her name was Cynthia Havilard Cynthia and I went swimming at the Y at the same time Wednesday mornings We met because the candy machine took both of our money one morning So we complained at the same time Then we began looking for each other wednesday mornings And then naturally, using the same lane And then naturally, going to coffee after swimming One morning at swimming an elderly man began to drown It was right in the lane next to ours He very quietly began to sink I swam like a shark I brought him to the side of the pool in seconds I hoisted him onto the side of the pool with a strength I didn't even know I had And then the lifeguard came and took over Well the old man lived And his son found me at the pool later and thanked me He invited me over And Cynthia and I had dinner with the old man's family And we took a photograph together At dinner they toasted me They said "To the hero!" And the glasses clinked