Even - 7.22.18, 12:02 A.M.

Song Meaning

The lyrics paint a picture of lingering heartbreak and a desperate need for closure. The opening lines establish a scene of domestic disarray – stained clothes, uncleaned carpet – suggesting a life put on hold, perhaps due to emotional turmoil. The narrator stays up late, but the usual solace found in sleeplessness offers no relief, hinting at a profound internal struggle. This isn't just a casual sadness; it's a deep-seated unease that the environment itself reflects. The central tension revolves around a past relationship and the narrator's inability to move past it. The memory of a shared summer, described as being "off on the countryside / With no space for fresh air," implies a suffocating intimacy that has now dissolved. The narrator's declaration to "write songs til it kills me" reveals a coping mechanism, a way to process intense feelings, while simultaneously posing a poignant question about the future of their love: "How will you find this love of ours?" This question underscores the fear of being forgotten and the desire for their shared history to be acknowledged. A striking element is the contrast between the narrator's internal state and their outward attempts at normalcy. While they acknowledge their room is "still a mess" and they "still talk to the same old friends," they grapple with the idea of presenting a changed self. The pre-chorus reveals a past act of care – bringing candy during a partner's sadness – which is now juxtaposed with the partner's departure and the "same old feeling that ate you up inside." This suggests a cyclical pattern of emotional distress, now experienced by the narrator. The repeated refrain, "Are we even now?" serves as the emotional core, a plea for equilibrium after a significant loss. The narrator is "grieving loud" and "screaming out," indicating a raw, uncontained sorrow. The recurring phrase "12-millimeter film rolling" acts as a motif, perhaps representing a cinematic, detached observation of their own pain or a persistent, almost obsessive, replaying of memories. This lyrical focus on the tangible mess and the intangible emotional residue highlights the profound impact of the relationship's end, leaving the narrator in a state of unresolved anguish.