Lyrics

[Heidi] I went to this party in Beverly Hills In a mansion so big it would give Bono chills My girlfriends, of course, were all searching for thrills But I just did not see the hype So, they told me 'No, Heidi, you can't be so shy!' 'Inside you may find yourself some perfect guy' Well, I laughed, but imagine my shock when I spy Across the room, the gorgeous eye Of a man just exactly my type And that was Mr. Bernie Cornfield When we're driving with the top down Everybody stops to stare Had his hand around my shoulder And his head dеvoid of hair But I don't mind the bald spot And the skin tags evеrywhere I love him as much as a young girl can He's much, much older man Sure, he isn't Patrick Swayze But I like 'em short and stout With a bowling ball-sized prostate And a mild case of gout So we sleep together nightly Once his teeth are taken out I love him as much as a young girl can He's my much, much older man As we sip margaritas on vacation He regales with tales of living through the Taft administration When we take our pills together, I just can't help but grin With me, my ecstasy and he his coumadin Though soon he'll need a walker I'd never call him lame I crave this quasi-Quasimodo's five-foot-seven frame 'Cause if you saw his bank account, I know you'd feel the same You'd love him as much as a young girl can My much, much older Man [Woman 1, spoken] Poor Heidi, breaking up with her much, much older man [Woman 2] Hey now, I figured he'd died [Woman 1] Well at that age, what's the difference? [Woman 2] She's a wreck. Bernie didn't want to be monogamous [Woman 1] Well Heidi's no prude... [Woman 2] Sure, when you're dating someone who's old enough to be your father, it's not just heartbreaking when he cheats on you. It's embarrassing [Woman 1] Well, I heard she's already met someone new [Woman 2] Shut up! [Woman 1] His name is Evon. He's a big name Hollywood producer. Well, he produced Starsky & Hutch, but still [Woman 2] Sounds like he's really in with the 'it' crowd... [Woman 1] That's not all. Tell us, Heidi! [Heidi, sung] When he's turning on his hearing aids I'm totally appeased 'Cause it's nice, for once, to stay somewhere that isn't a sublease Sure, I could be his youngest sister's youngest daughter's youngest niece I love him as much as a young girl can He's my even older man Because love is what it is and love unfolded And me, I didn't wave it for that [?] Didn't know which kind appealed better to me An Amex Black or double AARP So, go ahead and blink your names at me You'll find I hardly soar Found a man that makes me feel, above all else, mature 'Cause the heart wants what the heart wants And [?] Truly, nothing greater than a wad of cash and a short lifespan I love him as much as a young girl can He's much, much, much, much older man