Cathy Song’s “Heaven” (2)
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He thinks when we die we'll go to China. Think of it—a Chinese heaven where, except for his blond hair, the part that belongs to his father, everyone will look like him. China, that blue flower on the map, bluer than the sea his hand must span like a bridge to reach it. An octave away. I've never seen it. It's as if I can't sing that far. But look— on the map, this black dot. Here is where we live, on the pancake plains just east of the Rockies, on the other side of the clouds. A mile above the sea, the air is so thin, you can starve on it. No bamboo trees but the alpine equivalent, reedy aspen with light, fluttering leaves. Did a boy in Guangzhou dream of this as his last stop? I've heard the trains at night whistling past our yards, what we've come to own, the broken fences, the whiny dog, the rattletrap cars. It's still the wild west, mean and grubby, the shootouts and fistfights in the back alley. With my son the dreamer and my daughter, who is too young to walk, I've sat in this spot and wondered why here? Why in this short life, this town, this creek they call a river? He had never planned to stay, the boy who helped to build the railroads for a dollar a day. He had always meant to go back. When did he finally know that each mile of track led him further away, that he would die in his sleep, dispossessed, having seen Gold Mountain, the icy wind tunneling through it, these landlocked, makeshift ghost towns? It must be in the blood, this notion of returning. It skipped two generations, lay fallow, the garden an unmarked grave. On a spring sweater day it's as if we remember him. I call to the children. We can see the mountains shimmering blue above the air. If you look really hard says my son the dreamer, leaning out from the laundry's rigging, the work shirts fluttering like sails, you can see all the way to heaven.
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