Ready Set, Not Yet

Lyrics

[ADAM] Look at this crib In all of its glorious antiquary Every curve and surface speaks to me Saying pamper and spoil me Sand me and oil me Come on I know to the untrained eye it's boring But nothing's a chore when you're restoring Apart from frustration, pain, and financial drain It's fun! Folks say, "Adam Why do you polish your crib When you don't have a kid? And even if you did have a kid This crib is too precious for placing a baby inside it So it simply exists to remind you Your sense of perfection is just a reflection That you are not mentally prepared To make room for a kid, Adam Why don't you live, Adam? Just make a start" Are you willing to take the next step? Ready, set— Ready, set— [BARBARA, spoken] Look at these jugs! [BARBARA] Amazingly glazed and terracotta-ery I took some clay and made you pottery The world will never wreck you I'll protect you in a mother's embrace Folks say, "Barbara Why can't you see that ceramics Is simply a manifestation of motherly panic By making a baby that's breakable Aren't you creating a way of translating the terror Of making maternal mistakes into clay Hiding away So you don't have to face being a bad mom, Barbara That's what you've done, Barbara Just make a start" Are you willing to take the next step? Ready, set— [BOTH] Here we stand At the end of a ten year plan A house A yard A minivan A baby should be next Together let's leap off the cliff Fall forever, then smash to bits Trapped in a terrifying viper pit Of diapers and regret Are we willing to take the next step? [ADAM] Ready, set— [BARBARA] Ready, set— [ADAM] Not yet [BARBARA] Not yet [ADAM] Why rush? [BARBARA] Why rush? [BOTH] Soon enough, our hopes and our dreams will be crushed [BARBARA] But not yet! [ADAM] Not yet! [BARBARA] Not now [ADAM] Not now [ADAM, spoken] Oh? [ADAM, spoken] No! [Floorboard creaks again.] [ADAM, spoken] See? We can't start a family in a house with creaky floorboards! [BARBARA] You are absolutely right Let's add it to the list With the cracks in the plaster [ADAM] The wi-fi should be faster [BARBARA] This sofa needs a castor [ADAM] The bathroom's a disaster! [BARBARA] What about global poverty? [ADAM] What about world peace? [BARBARA] Then there's the whole darn economy [ADAM] The whole Middle East [BARBARA] We should learn Mandarin [ADAM] Yeah! Or Spanish at least [BOTH] No habla español Dos cervezas, por favor And that's all we got And that's not a lot Do we want a bilingual household or not? So let's go slow No breaking a sweat What's the point of having children If we're drowning in debt? [BARBARA] Yeah, we're totally [ADAM] Completely [BARBARA] Maybe eighty percent [ADAM] I'd say seventy-eight [ADAM & BARBARA, with BETELGEUSE] Ready to take The next step (Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, yeah!) The next step (Zooby, dooby, dooby, dooby, dop, dop, bow!) The next step (Zweeby, beeby, boo-bah-bah-dee!) The next step Ready, set let's— [Crashing and screaming] [BETELGEUSE] See I wasn't kidding It's a show about death!