I Saw Mommy

Lyrics

[intro] Merry Christmas to you Merry Christmas to you I just came from a party That was wonderful and very nice And I wish to you all [a] merry, merry Christmas [Verse 1] 1987 Christmas eve in Pennsylvania When someone mentions Christmas it's the one I always think of My momma told me in my bunk, she told me that I may hear Sleigh bells on the roof If you awake you better play dead I make cookies for the reindeer And you might run em off if they see you (whatever) Teasin', as if Santa comes at all, said "Good night Love you, Ma, when you think you gonna wake us? I'm so anxious" I told you silly, 7:30, 8-ish It's hard to practice patience while I'm guessing' on my presents I asked 'em for a Michael Jackson glove, a couple (?) now I'm restless I whispered at my brother but he's sleepin' Didn't think I would be able to I woke up from a dream and seen a closet 3am I know I need to try to shut My eyes and cover up But I just want to climb under this bunk and try and look And maybe get a glimpse of Santa Claus (Santa?) It might be meant for me to be the only kid that does But I was dumb, using my imagination I know the right thing to do was climb back in the blankets Right when I was ready, changing my mind Something unbelievable happened It's hard to fathom, explain and describe You ever heard the saying, "Silence is loud?" Well if someone's behind you or right beside you Trying to guide you to sound Wasn't certain you heard Even harder to prove I hear harnesses soothe Crossin' on top of my roof Gotta be smooth and maneuver Your door squeaks when it opens Tiptoein', it's risky, get to the hallway and notice I close my eyes before I got to the overlook Butterflies overtook to my body (1, 2, 3, 4...!) I count to 5 and I open 'em Holy fuck, holy fuck, its Santa! He's standing below me (Santa) I'm staring breathless His presence is fluoresced and he's glowin' And I know when my momma walked into the room where he was She was nude, he started smootchin' her, using his tongue (fucking grose!) [Hook] I saw my mommy kissing Santa Claus On the living room floor (on the living room floor) I will try and take her panties off I can't witness no more I saw my mommy kissing Santa Claus [Verse 2] This can't be good for our 'ventual(?) self Santa is standing inside of my house and his dick is out When my mom put her lips around it to kiss it That's when I yelled at the top of my lungs "Santa get your liver-spotted dick off my mom!" Santa was funny said, "Ho ho" I screamed at my mom, suddenly she snapped at me Get your ass back to sleep in your bunk I said, "I saw the nasty things that you're doin' I saw you goin' down on Santa No wonder why you and dad are divorced" Santa said, "Joy to the world!" (Shut up, Santa!) My mom interrupted and tried explaining I thought you and your brother were tucked in I started drinking ('course you did) watching Christmas Vacation Shoulda told you the truth Didn't want to take the mystery o' Christmas away yet You're just a kid and you were never meant to see that (No shit!) See, back when dad stopped coming by on Christmas eve That's when things happened That would change the course of Christmases to come It's hard to keep track what year it was when this begun (Who cares?) But I was shocked like you when I saw Santa in the room Mesmerized, he said my cookies were the best he ever tried (Your cookies?) He let me ride the sled, we did a few deliveries One lucky night he tried to take me through a chimney And we got stuck inside and that's the year when this all started Trapped inside a chimney in his arms (oh my god) I feel my heart is beating (what!) out in my chest Feelings that we compress (are you serious?) Or I mean, are we all Mrs Claus or kids, an' I guess 'cause start the intimate kiss we had I know you kids look at Santa like he's a saint (not anymore!) Once I see him, I think of sex "Momma, how can you look at his wrinkly ass? I bet to see his dick you gotta lift up a crease of flab" And she just laughed, and said His belly ain't the only thing big and fat, you can trust me I told her, "Fuck you, mom and you're disgusting" This must be a terrible nightmare, I hope so 'Cuz Santa's a perv and mom's a Ho Ho, Ho! [Hook] I saw my mommy kissing Santa Claus On the living room floor (on the living room floor) I will try and take her panties off I can't witness no more I saw my mommy kissing Santa Claus [Outro]