The Great Debate

Lyrics

[NARRATOR] Welcome, welcome, welcome To this great arena Durham, North Carolina In the heart of the Research Triangle We've come to this particular place tonight 'Cause we gotta look at things from every angle We need some answers to some complicated questions If we're going to get it right To that end, we have here gathered Some of the most expensive scientists in the world Eminent scientists, that is We got biologists, biometricians We got a quantum mechanic, an astrophysician Got a cosmologist, a cosmetician Got an astronaut, we got Astroboy We got he doctors, she doctors, knee doctors, tree doctors We a got a lumberjack And a life coach On the other side, we have the true believers We got the Baptists, the Methodists, the Presbyterians Episcopalians are here, pass the hat We got the Shakers, the Quakers, the anti-innoculators The Big Boss Line, it's Madison time The Six Blind Boys, Five Tons of Joy Give 'em room, get outta the way We got a Bible Belter from the Mississippi Delta Have them all arrayed Scientists, are you ready? First question: dark matter Oh, dark matter Give me someone knows somethin' about space Nice space music, Georgie Alright, what is it? Where is it? Can we get some? Stand up, sir, would you? You are standing, forgive me Dark matter, go ahead [SCIENTIST] Dark matter is out in space It's seventy-five percent of everything— [NARRATOR] Just a moment, sir Do yourself a favor Use our musi People like it, and your music's making people sick Alright, it's a free country, go ahead Dark matter, what is it? [SCIENTIST] We don't know what it is But we think it's everywhere [NARRATOR] I'd like to take a look at it Can we get some down here? [SCIENTIST] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Of course not! [NARRATOR] Let me get this straight You don't know what it is You don't know where it is And we can't get any? Put that to the one side Let's put the Lord, faith, eternity, whatever on the other side Show of hands? [NARRATOR & TRUE BELIEVERS] I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus I'll take Jesus every time I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus I'll take Jesus every time [NARRATOR] Yes I will, yes I will Yes I will, yes I will [NARRATOR & TRUE BELIEVERS] I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus I'll take Jesus every time [NARRATOR] All right, one-nothing Next one's gonna be a hard one It's about the theory of evolution And it's about animals, also So give me someone knows somethin' about evolution And animals Who you got? Wow, you're a beautiful woman, aren't you? Doesn't matter, of course But if this science thing doesn't work out for you— Don't boo me, don't boo me I'm just kidding, you know that Here's my question: explain me the giraffe Go ahead Elaborate? With pleasure, miss The giraffe, to survive Must eat leaves high up on the yaba yaba tree That's true, isn't it? Of course it is Everyone knows that But Mr. Darwin's giraffe The halfway-giraffe, with a halfway-giraffe neck Could never have reached the highest branches of the yaba yaba Therefore, he could not have survived It's only common sense Unfortunately for you, Mr. Charles Darwin didn't have any common sense Evolution is a theory, and we have just now, tonight, disproved it Show of hands? [NARRATOR & TRUE BELIEVERS] I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus I'll take Jesus every time! I'll take Jesus, I'll take Jesus I'll take Jesus every time Yes I will, yes I will Yes I will, yes I will I'll take Jesus every time [Applause from the gathered crowd.] [NARRATOR] Alright, two-nothing Next question: global warming Is it? And if so, so what? [TRUE BELIEVER, in the distance] Sir! [NARRATOR] One of the true believers seeks to be recognized Hand him a mic, Charles Thank you [TRUE BELIEVER taps the microphone.] [TRUE BELIEVER] Sir, do you know what you are? You're an idiot You're a strawman, a fabrication You see, the author of this little vignette, Mr. Newman Self-described atheist and commonist Creates characters, like you, as objects of ridicule He doesn't believe anything he has you say Nor does he want us to believe anything you say Makes it easy for him to knock you down Hence, a strawman I myself, believe in Jesus I believe in evolution also I believe in global warming And in life everlasting No one can knock me down [NARRATOR] Oh, we can knock you down, Mister We can knock your commonist friend down, too Commonist! You call me an idiot? We've been knocking people like Mr. Newman down for years and years Like this Page thirty-five, Georgie Miss Dorothy, page thirty-five [NARRATOR, NARRATOR & MISS DOROTHY, MISS DOROTHY] Ah I know someone is watching me Everywhere I go Someone sees everything I see Knows everything I know When I'm in trouble, don't have a friend There's still somebody on whom I can depend (I can depend) Someone who'll be there 'til the very end Someone is watching me [NARRATOR & TRUE BELIEVERS, MISS DOROTHY] Someone is watching me (Watching me, yeah) Someone is watching me (Oh) For so long, I was too blind to see Someone is watching Someone is watching Someone is watching me! (Oh, yeah) [NARRATOR & MISS DOROTHY] Take a little break, ladies and gentlemen Fifteen, twenty, twenty-five minutes Depending on how the merchandise is moving (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) We'll be right back [Applause.]