Press Conference

Lyrics

[RACHEL] Hello. Thank you all for coming out today. At this time, I will be holding my weekly press conference for the negative voices inside my head. First question. Yes, you? [DANNY] Hi, Danny Giles, negative voice, Whoop-Dee-Doo Times. Uh, what makes you think you're so special? Whoop dee doo. [RACHEL] Uh, I actually don't think I'm special. Next question [KEITH] Keith Willard, negative voice, Nagging Fears Bugle. Um, who the fuck do you think you're kidding? [RACHEL] You know, I actually feel really good about myself. I have a new album coming out, so yeah, I've met a lot of goals this year. [KEITH] Follow-up question: What do you think 13-year-old you would say if she knew that instead of doing Shakespeare in the Park, she's making songs about dicks? [RACHEL] I think she'd be really proud of me. Next question [JACK] Jack Dolgen, Weight Weekly. Can you confirm rumors from the stomach that all you've eaten today is frosting? [RACHEL] No comment [KEITH] Can you confirm rumors from the clitoris that today you've masturbated four times to the mere thought of a billboard you thought you saw for Hot in Cleveland? [RACHEL] Wendie Malick is like a fine wine, not my fault. Next question [MOTHER] Rachel, this is your mother with the Disappointing Daughter Sunday Times Magazine. Do you really think you'll ever measure up to your sister and her award-winning chicken restaurant? [FATHER] This is your father with the Why the Fuck Are You So Fat Tribune. Why the fuck are you so fat? [RACHEL] I don't know why I'm so fat, Dad! [GOBBLER SPECIAL] Rachel, this is the Gobbler Special. The dish at your sister's restaurant that Zagat called, and I quote, "the best piece of chicken I have ever tasted." [RACHEL] Yes? [GOBBLER SPECIAL] You're a whore