In The Van Somewhere Outside of Birmingham

Lyrics

We give daps and pounds And yeah, I'll buy the next round But don't you dare try to hug me Why would another man want to touch me? There's something not right here Why would he compliment my hair Is he sick? Is this a dare? What other explanation is there? We're men, that's how we're raised Don't smile, don't give too much praise Don't cry, don't beg, don't ask, just take Don't get tired, never take a break But above all else, show no affection I mean, it just goes without question Never let down your guard Just be a man, it's not hard Hello, dear reader Allow me to set the scene: In the back of the van somewhere outside of Birmingham It's another 90 degree day scorcher and the AC died days ago Our fearless protagonist sits between alfred., doodling yesterday's highlights on their tablet And Logan, who at present is succumbing to the warm air lulling him to sleep With every passing second, his head droops lower and lower Until finally it finds itself resting comfortably on our hero's shoulder The following is an inner dialogue Well, now what do I do now? We better turn the van around Take me home, this is not allowed Oh fuck! Okay, play it cool, play it cool And remember everything you learned back in high school If a guy is too nice it means he must want to fuck you Raised Southern Baptist so no man above you Oh wait, that's fucking ridiculous man A decade later and you're still letting these kids tell you how to be a man? So get it the fuck together, come up with a game plan We're still two hours outside of Birmingham Just put your arm around him, just be fucking normal You spent the last two weeks together, why now to be formal? But what if someone sees? Oh, then it'll all be over You'll avoid eye contact for the rest of the tour You'll never live this down, you'll never live it down If you don't just put your arm around him, you'll regret it now And forever, why are you like this? You're not a leader, you're a letdown A real man wouldn't panic, you'll never wear the fucking crown Why can't you do it you coward? All your life you've wanted close male friends, why now to be a wallflower Where's that conviction you like to sing about? Where's that willpower? Are you just gonna sit here frozen for the next two hours? Just put your arm around him, just do it, please just fucking do it You'll never live this down, it's now or never You gotta unfreeze, just get unstuck But then he woke up