I Hope I Sell a Lot of Records at Christmastime

Lyrics

[Intro] This song is kind of on the sadder side of Christmas It's about a truck driver away from home on Christmas Day And I sure know how he feels (Ho, ho, ho!) Santa? I would like a pony, and a Furby, and a pony and... Kid, hey, hey, kid, you don't want that stuff Tell Santa you want my record! Who are you? Santa, what's going on? (Hey, lady, security!) Chill, pops Hey, hey! Get off me! [Verse 1] Ayo Santa, let's get somethin' clear I'm half Jewish, I shouldn't even be talkin' about this time of year But I'm near tears tryin' to fund my record label career While everyone else drinks beer like they at Cheers Makin' Nintendo bets on debts from bad record deals For real, I'm probably next I'm here sweatin my ass off, it's July But by the time this comes out, I'll be behind my release schedule And Mariah Christmas will be sold out, why? I never did nothin' bad to nobody I'm still friends with all my exes who stole money (Aw, honey) Don't "aw, honey" me, just give me the money, please One of those cards with a pocket for cash A big stash or check to cash, I'll snatch it Before you realize you acted rash, and come at me all mad Yo, I've been good, well, you know, pretty good, at least in my mind Please, let me sell a lot of records at Christmastime [Chorus] La-la-la, la-la-la There's one Christmas star Princess Superstar La-la-la, la-la-la Ho, ho, ho! Who you callin' a ho? [Verse 2] Okay, I'm too poor to afford Life-size cut-out cardboard of me poured in a size four With a floppy Santa hat on the record store floor Want Ace product placement Listenin' station so while I'm on vacation I got my face on Raisin Brans 'round the nation I'm impatient, need my wax to sell by the cases Like Ma$e's in God's good graces, I'll be gracious Just let me retire with his wages I'm not aimless, I wanna be A-list Hang out with someone famous Then my friends and I would all have someone to date us Like Tom Hanks, Billy Blanks, Shabba Ranks, or any of the Franks Stallone, Purdue, Avalon, or Delanor Roo Bill Gates too (Ew) It's true, all I gotta do is sell through Go on tour, then put out a live record real quick, like Frampton or Badu I got a cold, it's gonna be Christmas soon and I'm getting old Hi, Tower? It's me again, how many units we sold? You mean, we didn't go platinum or like gold? (Beep, beep) Oh, that's my rolls Yo, wait, I'm on a payphone Please, don't even try to put me on hold! [Chorus] La-la-la, la-la-la There's one Christmas star Princess Superstar La-la-la, la-la-la Ho, ho, ho! Who you callin' a ho? La-la-la, la-la-la There's one Christmas star Princess Superstar La-la-la, la-la-la [Verse 3] Okay, you're all listening to my song, that's a good sign So either you bought it, it's on the radio Or your friend is sayin', "Ha, listen to this funny song" That's fine But if that's the case, don't even think about the blank tape Take a date with your lazy ass, go to Virgin or Other Music, they close late And if you don't make it, visit my website blah-blah dot com See old sexy pictures of me Order my record, buy the clean version for your mom Santa, just one hit, one seasonal favorite One tearjerker piece of commercial shit For the ages or just enough to get an agent Watch how fast I'd sell out, get the cash, get the hell out Be on VH1, "Where Are They Now?" Eatin' filet mignon by the pound Round baby, fat and gettin' down baby Don't need to fit in no fancy clothes now, baby (Hey!) Get the camera crews off my grounds! Call me flash in the pan, the blonde chick who thought she could rhyme Please, just let me sell a lot of records at Christmastime!